I believe that deep down we all know what we really want. We know what we want for a career, to do for fun in our free time, in a relationship, and in every other area of our lives. However, we often feel disconnected from those desires due to a little thing called resistance.

We have allowed resistance to protect us. We can grow so accustomed to the resistance that we don’t even realize it is there.

One way to find out what’s stopping you is to move forward.

Take one step toward something new. Start moving toward your goal.

Not sure what you want or even what your goal is? I bet you know something, even something small.

If you work for a large corporation and long for a small, intimate work setting, start researching other companies. Then witness the thoughts that pop up.

Do you hear: “I’d have to take a pay cut and I can’t afford it.” Bingo! That’s one way resistance is holding you back. As long as you don’t look that fearful thought in the eyes, this belief will hold you back from your dreams.

I’m not saying that there may not be a grain of truth in your statement, but until you get to the real truth, you’ll stay stuck. Until you get to the real truth, resistance will run the show.

What’s the real truth?

It’s reality. It’s when “I can’t afford it” becomes “I choose not to change my lifestyle.” It’s when you get really honest with yourself and notice your choices. Would you rather have a fat salary, or be in a job you love? And who says you can’t have both? (Hint: Believing you can’t have both is a belief born from resistance, too!)

There are dozens of ways to get to the real truth. You can recognize that everything is a choice. You can ask your wise inner self to weigh in. You can do The Work.

Getting to the real truth is a journey worth taking, if you want to live life the way you were meant to live it.

What small step can you take today to move toward your dreams and bring the truth of your resistance out into the light?
 

On Monday, I wrote about a slip-up on my resolution to LISTEN. Today, I’m writing about my second resolution: ALLOW.

One word resolutions.
Let me first detour to these one-word resolutions and where they came from. Maybe resolution isn’t the best word for it, but it feels right to me. Christine Kane, a singer, songwriter, and coach, suggests using a “Word of the Year” to guide the upcoming year. She asks her blog readers to share their experiences using a guiding word, and I finally caught on. In mid-December, LISTEN came to me. Shortly after that, I heard, ALLOW.

ALLOW.
I chose ALLOW for 2010 because it is a perfect complement to LISTEN. LISTEN is about me hearing the whispers of my wise, inner self and of my body. ALLOW is acceptance of reality, acceptance of what-is. Both of these words are physical and mental; though for me, the focus is actually more physical than mental.

I was left-brain trained (logical, mathematical, scientific, process-oriented), and I have lived my life “in my head,” so to speak. In the last year, I’ve learned to climb back into my body and learn that I can LISTEN to the physical feelings that are stored there. Behind the physical sensations are words. They say things like, “Slow down. There’s no need to rush.” Or, “Yes, do that. It will be fun!” Those are the voices I want to hear more clearly this year.

Allowing ALLOW.
ALLOW, for me, is two-thirds physical, one-third mental. Having lived “in my head” for so long, I almost forgot I had a body. (No, of course not literally, but it seems that way, now that I look back.) Every time I think a thought that doesn’t serve me, my body tenses up. Since I’ve spent my life pleasing others, I think a lot of things that don’t serve me... and my body tenses up a lot, too. ALLOW is helping me refocus on what-is in life, and letting it be.

I am tired of controlling, trying, forcing, and efforting. I want to take a break and just ALLOW.

A new way.
I have this thought, in the back of my mind, that if I can let go of trying so hard, more things will come to me. More fun, more business, more love, more whatever-is-good. ALLOW isn’t about making or desiring those things to come to me, but it is about permitting them to enter my world. Who knows if it will work. What I do know for sure is that I’m tired of trying and I’m tired of hurting and I’m ready for a new way. And that’s what ALLOW is all about for me. I look forward to learning what it has to teach me in 2010.

Do you have a word for 2010?

What in your life isn’t exactly as you’d like it to be? Do you want to make a change but aren’t sure where to begin?

Whatever your challenge, the first step is to imagine the future you desire.

Pinpoint the problem.

- Your job is eating at your soul.
- You want to live a life that feels purposeful.
- Your email Inbox is overflowing and heart attack-inducing.
- You fumble through the paperwork for each new client.

Design your desired future.

Let your imagination run wild. If you could design the perfect outcome, what would it look like?

- You feel like you’re making a difference in the world.
- You’re helping inner city kids learn to read.
- You have a method for managing incoming emails and organizing them effectively.
- You have a simple process to manage each new client.

Spell out every last detail.

Turn imagination into reality.

What in your desired future could really happen? When I walk clients through this exercise, 95% of what they imagine can be executed in the real world.

Make your desired outcome tangible in the real world.

Take tiny steps to get there.

Now that you have your desired reality, define the small steps you need to take to get from here to there.

Move forward.

You’ll be living in the future before you know it!

The cliche that “change is inevitable” can make us groan. Yeah, we know, but we still don’t like change when it happens to us, when it’s beyond our control.

What’s a change that you are experiencing that is beyond your control? Layoffs at work? Your husband is going through a mid-life crisis? Your kids are turning into difficult teenagers?

Whatever change is beyond your control, you can find treasures to embrace.

Ask yourself, “What am I getting that I would likely not get otherwise?”

Layoffs at work.... A kick in the pants to start thinking about what you really want to do with your life.

Husband’s mid-life crisis... Extra time to hang with girlfriends at the spa. Heck, if he’s buying a motorcycle, you can at least get a pedicure!

Kids turning into difficult teenagers... With age comes responsibility, and it’s time they start doing some of the household chores.

Every year since I moved to Oregon, I have dreaded fall because it brings winter, which means a lot of clouds and rain for many months. It’s dark and wet and it feels heavy and sad.

This year, I am content with the arrival of fall. The first rain cleared the air, and it smelled fresh and clean outside. The farmers’ market is filled with tart apples, deep orange squash, and dark purple kale. I am embracing the treasures of the beautiful leaves, apple crisp, and roasted squash soup during a time I usually focus on resisting like hell... and always lose.

Remember, some changes are beyond your control. Fighting reality is a losing battle. Instead, opt to find what treasures await you.

What treasures are you finding in the changes in your life?

It’s so easy to get caught up in daily life that we often go through it without thinking. I find this rather funny. So much of life can just run on auto-pilot. When our lives are running on auto-pilot, where’s our mind?

When I began to pay attention to what was going through my mind, I was fascinated... and a little freaked out. I noticed that when I felt anxious, I was thinking some terrible, nasty thoughts. I was thinking thoughts like, “they must think I’m crazy,” and “there’s no way I’m going to be able to do that.” I found it scary that I had been thinking these thoughts without even realizing it.

Although first encountering our thoughts can be scary, it’s a freeing practice. Once we know what we are actually thinking, we can do something about it.

Facing the truth about what is going on in your mind is an absolutely necessary step on the path to happiness.

If you are in the habit of watching your thoughts already, then I’m sure you know what the mind-watching experience is like. If you are new to thought-watching, let me suggest some tips to get started.

First, notice times when you feel anything less than happy and relaxed. Our natural state is happy and relaxed. If you feel anything less than that, it’s likely that there is a thought stopping you from feeling good.

Second, become a detective in your own mind. What thoughts are going through your mind when you’re not feeling good? See if you can find some things along these lines:

They must think I’m [something not positive].
What if they don’t like me?
I always screw up.
I can’t do that.
What if I get fired?
She’s never nice to me.

There are endless possibilities to what the thoughts are behind your feelings. Start seeing if you can find the thoughts.

Once you become aware of the thoughts in your head, you have the ability to choose whether or not to believe them. As I like to say, “they are just thoughts.” It is possible that the thoughts you are thinking, such as “I always screw up” just might not be true. Would you be willing to consider that possibility?

What have you found yourself thinking that might not be true?

... but it does.

I hear this from clients: “Grrr. I’m so mad at her. I can’t believe she did that! She does this all the time. Why do I let it get to me so much?!” Or something along those lines anyway.

Sound familiar?

I’m sure you can think of a time where (1) you were frustrated with someone about something and (2) you were also frustrated with yourself for being irritated in the first place. I know it happened to me a few times just last week!

Recall the last time you were irritated about being irritated. Could it have taken you longer to get over the situation than if you had been okay with your frustration? When we judge ourselves for our reactions, we often double the effort required to regain our balance.

Next time you find yourself mad for being mad, try these steps to get past it.

1. Acknowledge how you feel about the situation. [I’m mad at her for what she did, and I’m mad at myself for being mad about it.]

2. Allow yourself to feel how you feel. Safely and privately express your emotions. [If you’re angry, allow yourself to be angry. Get it out by writing it down, by yelling--some place where it’s safe and private--or by going for a walk or run.]

3. Ask yourself what story you are telling about why you shouldn’t be angry about what happened. [I shouldn’t be mad because she does this all of the time--I should expect it.]

4. Ask yourself what story you are telling about why you feel irritated about the incident. [She always talks down to me, and it’s so rude.]

5. Tell new stories. [I can choose to stay calm even when others are uppity. She is who she is, and oh, well.]

If you want a little more help, refer to Monday’s post for some finer details.

I recently walked through a similar scenario with a client. She found the most relief once she stopped being upset with herself about being upset. We are the hardest on ourselves. When she found peace with her reaction, it was easy to change the story about the crazy woman she was facing.

Be gentle with yourself when someone is acting crazy. Being mad about being mad only doubles the madness!

What new stories can you tell? Share your ideas here!

How do you feel on Mondays? Does your day begin with dread, overwhelm and heaviness? Or does your Monday start with excitement, enthusiasm and eagerness?

I will not deny that some people face tough work environments, challenging coworkers, and frustrating projects. You could likely find a roomful of people to commiserate with you about any difficult work situation. Does commiseration make you feel any better? In my experience, commiseration made work feel worse.

When you focus on the challenging and frustrating aspects of your day, you will likely encounter more of the same. Can you recall a day when things grew worse and worse as the hours went by? The more we focus on what we don’t want, the more of it we get.

Start your Monday with an attitude adjustment. Here’s how to do it.

1. Identify the feeling that comes up on Monday. [Maybe you feel dread.]

2. Ask yourself, “What story am I telling myself as to why I feel this way on Mondays?” [The story could be that you dread another long week of working without recognition for your effort.]

3. Determine how you would rather feel about work. [Excitement is a possibility, but if you’re starting from a feeling of dread, it could be easier to seek a feeling of indifference.]

4. Ask yourself, “What new story could I tell myself about Mondays that would make me feel the way I would rather feel?” This requires a little brainstorming. Write down some new stories and try them out. Here are some examples.

* Even though my boss doesn’t show it, I know she appreciates my hard work.
* I have the ability to make my day better if I want to.
* There is only so much time in the day, and I will get done what I can and then I will take care of myself and leave at 5:00.
* Even though this isn’t my dream job, it’s a great stepping stone to what I really want to do.

I often facilitate client attitude adjustments for tough work situations during coaching sessions. I estimate that ninety percent of my clients show up wanting an attitude adjustment about work at some point while we work together. As a coach, I love helping clients adjust their attitude; it makes their work life better, and their friends and family take notice, too!

After one attitude adjustment, a client said to me, “Wow! Imagine if I showed up with this attitude every morning!” She saw the power that she had to change her attitude and shift her entire day by telling a new story on her way to work.

Your attitude determines how you experience the world.
-- Sanaya Roman

Adopt a new mindset, even if you do it for a few minutes during your commute on Monday. Start your work week on a positive note. The rest of the week will thank you for it.

What are your “new stories” to adjust your attitude on Mondays?

In a recent post, I discussed the idea of acceptance. I received a great question from one reader:

Could you talk more about acceptance? What happens after I accept that my boss is passive-aggressive? I'm just OK with it?

I thought this question was worthy of a follow-up post.

Accepting reality is knowing you can not change it. It does not mean that the reality you experienced is your preference or that you will not take subsequent action. Acceptance is about finding peace within yourself.

Accept a situation first. This creates peace within yourself. Then take the appropriate action for yourself from that place of peace.

There are two things from my original post that I think could be better worded.

“When we accept something, we have no limit to our patience.” This may be better worded as

When we accept something, it no longer tries our patience. We recognize it as reality, and we can then choose what to do about it.

“Acceptance leads us to peace. Tolerance is holding back a fight.” I think a better way to say this is

Acceptance is what creates peace inside of us. When we accept something, we are no longer fighting reality. The fighting prevents us from experiencing peace.

As I said above, accepting reality does not mean that reality is our preference. By nature, we have preferences. I am going to use a simple example to illustrate the idea of reaching acceptance when reality does not meet our personal preferences.

I like coffee ice cream. Let’s say that I go to the store wanting to buy coffee ice cream, but they are out. If I stand in the store and get upset about not being able to buy coffee ice cream, I have no mental space left to make a decision about what to do. I am stuck being upset about reality not matching my preference. I can argue all I want about it not being “right” that a store does not have it, but the reality will not change.

If I can accept that there is no coffee ice cream at this store, I am making peace with reality. Then I can decide what I want to do next. I can buy another flavor, look for it elsewhere, or skip ice cream altogether. Action from a peaceful place is productive and allows me to move forward in life.

Without acceptance, I may lash out at the other patrons or even call the store manager for a chat about the absence of coffee ice cream. This is not productive and it does not allow me to move forward in life. This keeps me stuck.

You likely understand this simple example. Where some people get confused is when we start talking about a more emotionally-charged topic, such as the people in our lives and how they impact us.

Even in dealing with the people in our lives, it is still not possible for us to change reality. The people in our lives are who they are. I can not change my boss or my spouse, but I can decide what I want to do about my relationship with them once I accept them for who they are. Once I accept reality, I can choose to leave a situation or a relationship if that is what is best for me, or I can have a conversation with the other person about what displeases me. With acceptance, my action comes from a peaceful place instead of a place of frustration, which may cause me to lash out or make inappropriate comments in the heat of the moment.

I could keep debating whether or not it is “fair” that the store does not have coffee ice cream or that my boss is passive-aggressive, but as long as I debate with reality, then I have no room left to effectively decide what I want to do about it. This keeps me stuck in a situation that I do not want. Once I stop the debate and the struggle, I can take action for my own well-being.

What are your thoughts on acceptance? What other questions do you have?

Have you ever been on a little rant, threw a tantrum, or had a fit?

That’s a silly question. Of course you have, even if it was just inside your own head.

How about this: Do you remember the last time you were on a little rant, threw a tantrum, or had a fit?

Pull it up in your mind for a moment. When was it? What were you ranting or whining about? Who did you affect while you were in that mood? Lastly, what made you stop?

Think about that last question for a moment: What made you stop?

Was it a gentle inner voice telling you “enough is enough?” Did you stub your toe or jam your finger? Did a friend or family member snap back at you because they had had enough of your attitude? Was it something else?

I was in a rotten mood this morning. I am not sure why, and it really doesn’t matter. After several hours of being short-tempered and grumpy, a small ray of sunshine snapped me back to my better self.

We were having a beautiful but cool day in Oregon, and the air in my office was chilly, even at noon. My toes were a tad purple.

I walked into my office after grabbing a glass of water, ready to sit down at the computer. Before my bottom landed in the chair, I felt warmth on my foot. It made me stop mid-stride. It was unexpected and wonderful. I glanced down and saw the sun on the carpet, with beautiful shadows from the plant in front of the window and the tree right outside.

How long have I been in this house, using this office, seeing the plant and the tree? Yet I had not noticed the beauty of the sun on the carpet. I pulled out my camera and took a photo. It could not completely capture the warmth that my toes enjoyed or the moment silence that quieted my racing mind.

It was a wonderful moment. The world paused, I saw my inner chaos, and I was done with it. My attitude shifted on its own, I didn’t need to force it, and I was free to peacefully move on with my day.

Moments like this are what I call a “smack in the face.” Today it was the sunlight on the carpet that warmed my toes. I am grateful for its gentleness.

Usually my smack in the face is more literal, and my body parts suffer from dents, bruises, and open wounds. When my mind and body are moving too fast, something always finds a way to slow me down.

What smacks you in the face when your body and mind move too fast?

I often hear clients say, “Well I guess I just have to put up with it.” This could be in reference to a situation at work or at home. The details do not really matter.

Putting up with anything doesn’t sound like fun to me. It’s definitely not on my road to happiness.

I would like to ask that you think about your difficult situations and decide if you want to tolerate them or accept them. Tolerance and acceptance are two distinctly different things. Let’s look at two definitions from the Merriam-Webster online dictionary.

Tolerate
1 : to endure or resist the action of (as a drug or food) without serious side effects or discomfort 

2 a : to allow to be or to be done without prohibition, hindrance, or contradiction b : to put up with

Accept
1 a : to receive willingly b : to be able or designed to take or hold (something applied or added)
2 : to give admittance or approval to
3 a : to endure without protest or reaction b : to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable c : to recognize as true : believe

Acceptance leads us to peace. Tolerance is holding back a fight.

Can you feel the difference in the energy between tolerating and accepting?

In my pursuit of happiness, I would rather seek peace through acceptance. Enduring and resisting sound difficult, and they eventually cave in under their own weight.

We can only tolerate something for so long before we can’t take it any more. We have a limit on our patience and willingness to endure.

When we accept something, we have no limit to our patience. I choose to recognize a situation as reality, and I allow it into my life, warts and all. Acceptance is easier than tolerance.

What are you tolerating in your life that you could consider accepting?

Here are some situations I struggled to tolerate and eventually found peace through acceptance.

1. a passive-aggressive boss
2. my limited ability to understand physics
3. differing expectations of household cleanliness
4. cellulite

Here are 5 steps to find peace through acceptance.

1. Recognize your struggle.

2. In your body, feel “tolerance” and your physical resistance to it.

3. In your body, feel “acceptance” and the freedom in it.

4. Ask yourself if you are ready to release the resistance and find acceptance.

5. Accept reality for what it is. End the struggle.

Sometimes releasing the struggle is more complicated than this. There are some situations where we deeply believe that there is something “not fair” or “wrong” with reality.

Releasing a difficult struggle like this can take time and patience. My preferred method to find acceptance in difficult situations is The Work by Byron Katie. The Work has helped me find so much peace in my life.

There are many other releasing techniques available, such as Self-Coaching 101 by Brooke Castillo, The Sedona Method, and Psych-K.

What are your thoughts on tolerance and acceptance?