Would you like to feel a little less stress during stressful activities? Do you want to take away a bit of the tension?

Last weekend, I cleaned the house. It’s not my favorite thing to do. Merely thinking about it causes my body to grow tense, and it worsens once I start cleaning. I love a clean house, but I don’t love cleaning it.

This time, I decided to take away the tension. I chose to clean the house without the usual frustration.

A dirty toilet is still a dirty toilet, but cleaning it isn’t so bad when I don’t carry mental and physical stress.

What do you find stressful?

A meeting with your boss.
Carpooling a van full of kids to and from basketball practice.
Cleaning up after teenagers.

Whatever it is, when you do that thing you don’t like, decide to leave the tension behind.

You have a choice.

Relax your muscles. Take slow, deep breaths. Move slowly.

If you’re going to do the thing you don’t like to do, you might as well do it without adding extra pain.

Where can you remove a little tension in your life and add in a deep breath and some relaxation?
 

There is a fine line between persistence and refusing to accept reality. --Tim Leatherman, founder of Leatherman Tools, in reference to his 8 year endeavor to sell his first tool

When I heard Tim Leatherman say these worlds last week to a room full of engineering professionals and students, I grabbed my pen and paper. I don’t think that statement was calculated or prepared; it just flew from his lips when asked a question about frustration and wanting to give up when he hadn’t sold a tool after many years of trying.

I thought about my life. Would I keep working on the same thing for 8 years without a single “bite?” Do I have enough passion and drive and belief in what I do to keep at it that long?

Sometimes we give up because the road to where we’re going gets rough. Other times, we refuse to accept reality even when conditions look bleak.

How do we know if it’s time to quit?

I can’t say I have a clear answer, but one thought comes to mind: if deep in your heart you hear a YES, keep going. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says, if it feels right to you deep down, it’s right.

What do you think?

Photo courtesy of Rebecca via Flickr
 

With all of my talk about change, I want to also remind you that even when it feels like life is a whirlwind of change, there are always some things that remain constant.

If you’ve embarked on a new career, notice that your relationships with friends remain the same. If you’ve had a shake-up in your home life, notice that your exercise routine can stay the same. Notice whatever is constant for you.

What do you enjoy or appreciate about this aspect of your life? How does it bring you comfort? Whatever it is, keep it. Notice it. Connect with it. Enjoy your time with it. Appreciate it. Express gratitude for it. Relax with it. Let its essence fill you up.

Use this aspect of your life as your grounding rod. Let it hold your feet to the earth and steady you despite the whirlwinds of change that surround you.

Photo courtesy of my dad, John Williams, from his visit to Oregon in June-08

Your new identity has been revealed through the hole left from your old identity’s dissolution. You’ve followed the breadcrumbs and spotted your new destination.

You can clearly articulate who you are and what you are to do next.

How are you going to reach your goal?

Map out the steps--every single one. Fill in the blanks. When you’re not sure how to accomplish something or how to get from one step to another, ask for help. Learn new things. Interview experts.

When the picture is clear, it’s time for the real work. It’s time to roll up your sleeves and make things happen. (This is my favorite part!)

Take the first step. Then the next one. The steps can be small (actually, that’s recommended)--no need to leap or try to tackle everything at once.

Learn what you need to along the way.

Fumble and be willing to fail.

Go back and redraw the map where you got it wrong. No one says it will be or has to work perfectly on the first try.

Enjoy watching your dream unfold. You are making it happen.

Photo courtesy of Jasmic via Flickr

Does a dirty kitchen drive you crazy?

One of my childhood chores was doing the dishes after dinner. I became rather efficient at the task. When I grew up and had my own home, I wanted the kitchen spotless after dinner. My husband didn’t have the same clean kitchen policy in his bachelor pad, so if I wanted a tidy kitchen, it was my job to do it.

Some days, if the kitchen wasn’t clean, I got a little crazy. The trouble was, cleaning it could make me crazy, too.

Not too long ago, I finally smartened up.

Who cared about the clean kitchen? Only me.

Did Paul? Not really.

Did my neighbors, who can see the dishes stack up through the window? Likely not.

Did my mom? No. Even if I fabricated a story that she did care, she can’t even see them. She’s 3000 miles away and only knows that my kitchen is occasionally messy because I posted it here for the the world to see.

Why did I like the kitchen clean? It was one less thing to make me crazy, because so much in my life was making me crazy.

Interesting. I really pondered that. A kitchen can make me crazy. From an outsider, objective view, that’s a little crazy.

While I can pretty much control how clean my kitchen is, the process of controlling that trivial thing made me crazy. Like I said, there was little room to feel good.

This is when I realized it was time to lighten up. (If my sister’s reading this, she’s probably laughing hysterically at this point.)

I thought a clean kitchen made my house more relaxing. Although maybe it did, keeping that kitchen clean was far from relaxing. Was a spic-n-span kitchen necessary for me to function in life? Certainly not. In fact, it was limiting my functionality because of all the mental space I was taking up just by thinking about it.

Once I sorted out that I didn’t need my kitchen to be perfectly clean all of the time, I began to pride myself on the ability to occasionally let dishes pile up for a few days... and not go crazy in the mean time.

What can you let go of just a little, for the sake of your sanity?

I’d guess that at some point in your life you got together with other people to brainstorm something. It could have been how to solve a work problem, hit on a cutie at a bar, or convince your parents to lend you their car for the weekend. When two or more minds meet to solve a problem, you are engaging in a mastermind.

Until recently, I didn’t realize there was a word to describe the awesome women that helped me survive my time in corporate management. We were four female managers in a male-dominated work environment who banned together once every three weeks over a long lunch to support each other though our greatest and not-so-great moments. There were periods of complaining, and there was also a lot of camaraderie, support, and brainstorming. We all have said that that we may not have survived as long as we did without each other.

Mastermind groups are a great way to make progress with the support of others, whether in your personal life or work life. The groups can be formal or informal, though the more you put in the more you get out.

I’ve been leading a Mastermind group for coaches for the past 2 months, and the group’s been having a lot of fun and sharing great ideas, and each individual is making big strides in her business.

This Thursday I’m launching a second Mastermind group for small business owners!

• Are you a coach, artist, writer, service provider, or other small business owner?
• Would you like to join like-minded business owners for support in helping you grow your business?
• Camaraderie, support, and fresh ideas are just the beginning!

If you're a small business owner, sign up today!
(or at least start your own group--you’ll be glad you did!)

This is a follow-up post to a question from my post last week on my experience with the horses.

Here are two of the things I learned from working with the horses:
- Clear intention makes the “doing” part so much easier.
- As soon as we attach to an outcome, we make it more difficult to get what we want.

Blue Bicicletta posted this as a part of her reply:

Another point or perhaps question that comes up for me is the tug between having a clear intention of what you want to do (and how that makes things easier), but not being attached to a specific result. It is complicated to navigate this fine line---being open to where something takes you, but also having a clear enough idea to be able to efficiently apply your time.

The short answer is: It's all about feeling good in the moment. Set your sights on the outcome, imagine how it will feel, and do what feels best along the way. Enjoy whatever the outcome happens to be, and know it was good getting there.

Here's the longer answer.

Let's briefly discuss clarity of intention. Clarity of intention is knowing what you want and having a vision. There are two components to this: (1) knowing the desired outcome, as a tangible result, and (2) knowing the desire feeling state you will have when you reach this outcome. Likely, the feeling state would be something like happiness, peace, or excitement.

Next, let’s define attachment to outcomes. Attachment to an outcome has a graspy energy. Think about a stereotypical used car salesman. He wants to make the sale so badly that it sends you running from the parking lot. I don’t need to even go into a deeper description--you can already feel the negative energy from this imaginary guy.

Say you decide to shop with Lisa, a no-pressure saleswoman (I know her, if you need a used car and you live in Oregon). She lets you browse the lot on your own time, makes herself available to answer questions, and lets you know she is there to help you get what you want, without any pressure. You just might buy from her.

Since she’s not attached to making a sale (not graspy), she is focused on your needs, reading your body language, and sensing from you what you would like from the interaction. In the end, she may be more likely to get the sale because she had a relaxed and positive energy. She feels good now, which is also how she would feel if she made the sale. Imagine for a moment how it would feel to interact with her. Now imagine what it would feel like to be her, confident and attentive, looking out for you without grasping to make the sale.

Now, it’s quite possible that Lisa doesn’t make the sale with you. Every clear intention isn’t always met with its desired outcome. However, during the interaction, you and Lisa created a relationship. There was trust. You might buy from her again in the future, and you may refer a friend. Regardless, you had a good time shopping and she felt good, too.

It’s all about feeling good during the process of moving toward our desired outcome. Feel how we would feel if and when we got what we wanted. This way, we feel great both with and without the result. Non-attachment to the outcome could also open things up for something better than we even imagined.

I have room for improvement on this idea, for sure. It’s so easy for me to grow attached to an outcome... but can life really guarantee us much?

I have more examples and ideas for this topic, so post your thoughts and questions. I’d love to know what you’re thinking!

... but it does.

I hear this from clients: “Grrr. I’m so mad at her. I can’t believe she did that! She does this all the time. Why do I let it get to me so much?!” Or something along those lines anyway.

Sound familiar?

I’m sure you can think of a time where (1) you were frustrated with someone about something and (2) you were also frustrated with yourself for being irritated in the first place. I know it happened to me a few times just last week!

Recall the last time you were irritated about being irritated. Could it have taken you longer to get over the situation than if you had been okay with your frustration? When we judge ourselves for our reactions, we often double the effort required to regain our balance.

Next time you find yourself mad for being mad, try these steps to get past it.

1. Acknowledge how you feel about the situation. [I’m mad at her for what she did, and I’m mad at myself for being mad about it.]

2. Allow yourself to feel how you feel. Safely and privately express your emotions. [If you’re angry, allow yourself to be angry. Get it out by writing it down, by yelling--some place where it’s safe and private--or by going for a walk or run.]

3. Ask yourself what story you are telling about why you shouldn’t be angry about what happened. [I shouldn’t be mad because she does this all of the time--I should expect it.]

4. Ask yourself what story you are telling about why you feel irritated about the incident. [She always talks down to me, and it’s so rude.]

5. Tell new stories. [I can choose to stay calm even when others are uppity. She is who she is, and oh, well.]

If you want a little more help, refer to Monday’s post for some finer details.

I recently walked through a similar scenario with a client. She found the most relief once she stopped being upset with herself about being upset. We are the hardest on ourselves. When she found peace with her reaction, it was easy to change the story about the crazy woman she was facing.

Be gentle with yourself when someone is acting crazy. Being mad about being mad only doubles the madness!

What new stories can you tell? Share your ideas here!

How do you feel on Mondays? Does your day begin with dread, overwhelm and heaviness? Or does your Monday start with excitement, enthusiasm and eagerness?

I will not deny that some people face tough work environments, challenging coworkers, and frustrating projects. You could likely find a roomful of people to commiserate with you about any difficult work situation. Does commiseration make you feel any better? In my experience, commiseration made work feel worse.

When you focus on the challenging and frustrating aspects of your day, you will likely encounter more of the same. Can you recall a day when things grew worse and worse as the hours went by? The more we focus on what we don’t want, the more of it we get.

Start your Monday with an attitude adjustment. Here’s how to do it.

1. Identify the feeling that comes up on Monday. [Maybe you feel dread.]

2. Ask yourself, “What story am I telling myself as to why I feel this way on Mondays?” [The story could be that you dread another long week of working without recognition for your effort.]

3. Determine how you would rather feel about work. [Excitement is a possibility, but if you’re starting from a feeling of dread, it could be easier to seek a feeling of indifference.]

4. Ask yourself, “What new story could I tell myself about Mondays that would make me feel the way I would rather feel?” This requires a little brainstorming. Write down some new stories and try them out. Here are some examples.

* Even though my boss doesn’t show it, I know she appreciates my hard work.
* I have the ability to make my day better if I want to.
* There is only so much time in the day, and I will get done what I can and then I will take care of myself and leave at 5:00.
* Even though this isn’t my dream job, it’s a great stepping stone to what I really want to do.

I often facilitate client attitude adjustments for tough work situations during coaching sessions. I estimate that ninety percent of my clients show up wanting an attitude adjustment about work at some point while we work together. As a coach, I love helping clients adjust their attitude; it makes their work life better, and their friends and family take notice, too!

After one attitude adjustment, a client said to me, “Wow! Imagine if I showed up with this attitude every morning!” She saw the power that she had to change her attitude and shift her entire day by telling a new story on her way to work.

Your attitude determines how you experience the world.
-- Sanaya Roman

Adopt a new mindset, even if you do it for a few minutes during your commute on Monday. Start your work week on a positive note. The rest of the week will thank you for it.

What are your “new stories” to adjust your attitude on Mondays?

If I told you to go out and try something new and suck at it, could you? When I first heard that suggestion, I cringed. I grew up as a perfectionist, and sucking at something did not fit into my view of the world.

When we want to make changes in our lives, we need to try new things. Trying new things means that we might suck at it for awhile before we figure it out.

Going into business for myself, I have been slowly learning how to do something and suck at it. I will be honest with you: some days my suckiness is hard to stomach. I’m growing a stronger stomach.

If you want to try doing new things or try new ways of being, you might make some mistakes. It’s okay. Here’s how to go about trying new things, being willing to suck, and holding on to your stomach.

1. Identify your target.
2. Map out your plan.
3. Go for it.
4. Pat yourself on the back.
5. Learn from where you went wrong, and make a new plan.
6. Repeat steps 3, 4, and 5 until you decide to quit the endeavor or have mastered your target.

This plan is easily replicated for simple things such as eating a little healthier during the day, taking five minutes to meditate in the morning, or taking a moment of gratitude before you begin your day.

It can also be used for complicated things like learning to market a new business (this is currently where I’m learning to stomach my own suckiness), training for and running a half-marathon (kudos to my friend Julie and her whole family for their endeavor last weekend!), or learning to create your own website
Whatever new endeavor you’re shooting for, it’s okay to suck. In fact, it’s bound to happen. Embrace it and pat yourself on the back anyway.
 
Are you willing to suck? Share your stories!
 

Here’s an end note on the photo, since you are likely wondering what it has to do with this post.

First, in case you haven’t figured it out already, I take all of the photos you see on this blog and in my newsletter. My goal is to keep it up to keep my right brain active. I’m not a famous photographer, though photography is one of my creative endeavors where I’m willing to suck.

Second, this photo is of my husband’s head. I cut his hair. It’s pretty straightforward, and I’ve been doing it for years. Well, we had a little mishap with the clipper guard two weeks ago. Even after all these years, I cut a patch of hair without the guard on, and he looked a little funny for a week. No matter how practiced we think we are, we can still have moments where we suck. Thank goodness Paul is a patient and generally low-maintenance guy. Just one of the many reasons I love him.