One of the most challenging steps in navigating change is the first one: letting go of our identity. Change in our lives signal the loss of a part of who we are. For something new to come into our lives, something else has to die.

If you lose your job at The Corporation, you also lose your identity as an employee there. If you move to a new city, you lose your identity as a resident of your prior city.

This seems like an obvious and simple concept, yet I find many people brush aside the significance of their identity loss. Many say, “Yup, that part’s gone,” without truly acknowledging the hole it creates within them.

To successfully transition into a new identity, we need to grieve the loss of our old one. The logical part of the mind thinks that grief is foolish and a waste of time. We say things like “Why bother?” and “No use crying over spilt milk.” But grief is essential. Feel the hole inside your body. Cry, scream, shout, stomp, and grumble. Releasing the emotions associated with your loss allows something new to be born.

Our tendency is to quickly get past the pain or pretend it’s insignificant. Resisting the reality of your identity loss will eventually cause more pain and make your transition to a new identity take longer. You can make it through the painful patch and over to the other side--give it time.

Allow the old identity to die and leave a hole, even though it hurts. From that hole, a new identity will soon be born. From a clear, seemingly empty hole, something better will grow.

photo courtesy of Dizzy Girl via Flickr
 

It is your soul’s duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion. --Dame Rebecca West

Do you believe you exist for a reason? Do you have a purpose or a mission?

I’ve come to believe that we all have a purpose for being on this planet. I don’t believe that purpose has to be something big and grand and complicated. For some people, it may be like that, but for another, her purpose could be “being a mother to these children.”

Back when I realized my life was headed in a direction that was not aligned with my true self, I began pondering this question of purpose. I’ve read various books on the philosophy of purpose. Each has given me a piece of the puzzle, but I know that the real answer will come from within me.

Last week I took a huge leap towards recognizing my purpose. I’ve pieced this together:

I am here to enable the right-brained, creative, spiritual, mission-driven healers and teachers of this world to get their work and healing out to whom they are here to serve.

There’s more to my purpose and mission than that, but the cards are still hidden. I have more to learn and uncover.

I’m curious. Do you believe you are here for a reason (even if you don’t know what it is)? Do you have a purpose or a mission? Please share.

For Monday’s post, I wrote about breaking personal patterns, things like overeating or staying too busy. Some interpersonal dynamics can also be undesirable patterns, and they can be tricky to change. Here’s one way to look at it.

Imagine this:

You and your partner are dancing the waltz. The music is the same as always--the distinctive one-two-three rhythm your body knows so well. You know each other’s steps, movements, and subtleties. You know when you’re going to dip or twirl before it even happens.

But you’re sick and tired of the waltz. You dance it because that’s what you’ve always done. It’s what your parents did, so you do the same. And you’re done with it.

You want to salsa!

Decide to make a change.

You decide to change up your step just a bit. You don’t tell your partner, as you’re feeling a little self-conscious about making a change. “What will they think?” you wonder.

Instead of the one-two-three waltz, you’re now doing the quick-quick-slow step of the salsa. Your partners is still waltzing. One-two-three, step-step-fall. You step on toes, bump heads, and fall down.

Awkward!

Maybe it would have been easier to tell them before you changed your steps.


Realize that changes can affect other people.

Your partner could have a few responses to your unexpected new moves. They could be baffled and have a deer-in-the-headlights look. It’s also possible that they’re excited to try something with you: “Looks like you’re trying something new. Show me, too!”

More likely: “What are you doing?! You’re stepping all over my toes, and I think I hurt my wrist when I fell. Watch out, will you?! Stick to the music.”

You are in charge of your decisions.

Whatever their response, you broke the pattern. Decide how you want to proceed.

If your partner is excited, explain yourself and maybe you’ll both start salsa dancing.

If they’re baffled or resistant, decide if the new dance is still important to you. If it is, keep dancing. Consider explaining your change.

The fat lady has not sung yet.

If you dance the salsa and your partner keeps waltzing, it does not mean that you’ll never dance together again. When you decided to make a change, you had mental preparation. You thought about the salsa and imagined yourself doing it before you changed your step.

Give your partner some room. Let them think it over. They may or may not start dancing with you. It’s okay either way. You can dance alone or find a new partner if they stick to the waltz. (This is an analogy. I am not implying that you should leave your partner if they don’t take to salsa dancing.)

Don’t immediately write it off as an impossible situation. Change can take time, and that’s okay.

It’s about taking care of ourselves.

I am an advocate for taking care of ourselves first. Changing patterns and rituals that do not serve us is about taking care of ourselves. When we do that, we teach others to do the same for themselves (whether or not they realize it).

Where this all came from.

Last week I had several conversations about unwanted patterns, and through them all, I realized that when we take steps towards doing something new, it’s going to feel like we’re doing something new... (duh, right?) This is especially true when we change our patterns involving other people.

For one client of mine, I helped her see that it’s okay that she feels uncomfortable when she chooses not to engage with her husband in a twenty-year-old destructive ritual. It’s a pattern she decided to change because she’s ready to take better care of herself. She decided to dance to a new beat for her own sake, and it very well could turn out to be a positive thing for both of them.

Have you successfully initiated changes in interpersonal dynamics? Share your stories!

Have you ever been on a little rant, threw a tantrum, or had a fit?

That’s a silly question. Of course you have, even if it was just inside your own head.

How about this: Do you remember the last time you were on a little rant, threw a tantrum, or had a fit?

Pull it up in your mind for a moment. When was it? What were you ranting or whining about? Who did you affect while you were in that mood? Lastly, what made you stop?

Think about that last question for a moment: What made you stop?

Was it a gentle inner voice telling you “enough is enough?” Did you stub your toe or jam your finger? Did a friend or family member snap back at you because they had had enough of your attitude? Was it something else?

I was in a rotten mood this morning. I am not sure why, and it really doesn’t matter. After several hours of being short-tempered and grumpy, a small ray of sunshine snapped me back to my better self.

We were having a beautiful but cool day in Oregon, and the air in my office was chilly, even at noon. My toes were a tad purple.

I walked into my office after grabbing a glass of water, ready to sit down at the computer. Before my bottom landed in the chair, I felt warmth on my foot. It made me stop mid-stride. It was unexpected and wonderful. I glanced down and saw the sun on the carpet, with beautiful shadows from the plant in front of the window and the tree right outside.

How long have I been in this house, using this office, seeing the plant and the tree? Yet I had not noticed the beauty of the sun on the carpet. I pulled out my camera and took a photo. It could not completely capture the warmth that my toes enjoyed or the moment silence that quieted my racing mind.

It was a wonderful moment. The world paused, I saw my inner chaos, and I was done with it. My attitude shifted on its own, I didn’t need to force it, and I was free to peacefully move on with my day.

Moments like this are what I call a “smack in the face.” Today it was the sunlight on the carpet that warmed my toes. I am grateful for its gentleness.

Usually my smack in the face is more literal, and my body parts suffer from dents, bruises, and open wounds. When my mind and body are moving too fast, something always finds a way to slow me down.

What smacks you in the face when your body and mind move too fast?

Part of the human experience, part of the completeness of life, is to accept the light and the dark sides. Our perfections and imperfections. Together, they open up the human experience.   --Mark Romero

Check Mark out on YouTube.

As Mark eloquently points out, the human experience is about accepting the light and the dark in life and in ourselves. Fully opening up in our lives means loving and accepting all parts of us, both the parts that are easy to love and the parts that are more challenging to love.

Fully blossoming in our lives means truly loving all of who we are.

The idea of self-love can send some of us running away. When I first heard about it years ago, I wanted nothing to do with it!

Do you love yourself? I mean, do you really love yourself?

Could you say, “I love you, [insert your full name here]” in the mirror without wincing, feeling shy or embarrassed, or making sure no one was listening?

If so, kudos to you. That’s truly awesome.

If not, why? Really think about why you can’t do it or don’t like it.

Could you be okay loving all of yourself, if I told you that your uncomfortable feelings are okay?

Mary Knebel, a coach and recent ebook author, posted this exercise on self-love in her blog earlier this year. I think she does a great job walking us through how to learn to feel more love and acceptance for ourselves.

Another, very awesome coach, Jeannette Maw, talks about self love in a blog post from 2007.

(Both Jeannette and Mary have great ebook offerings on self-love. You can find them on their websites.)

Self-love is not about loving only the parts of us we think are perfect. It is about accepting our dark sides and our light sides.

There can not be light without darkness. And there can not be darkness without light.