We’re having absolutely fabulous weather here in Corvallis, Oregon. As I type this, it’s sunny and mid-50s. It will likely hit 60 today. I had a delightful morning run. The sun is now streaming in my office window and I can feel the fresh air blowing in. I love it.
Except when I start future-thinking. I fret about the winter we didn’t have.

Will it come in March or April?
Will it kill all of the buds on the trees?
Will this create problems for the local farmers?
What about the summer?
Will it be crazy-hot?
Will there be a lot of fires?
We need more rain!!!

Once I start down this path, it quickly turns into a death spiral. I stop enjoying the sunshine, the crocuses, and my open office window. I start worrying about all of these things that are completely out of my control.

As I’ve been noticing this mental weather pattern of mine over the past few weeks, I’ve been catching myself in the act and stopping this future-thinking.

On my run today, as soon as I stopped fretting, I noticed so many more crocuses that I usually notice. It was because I was present. I was in the now. I was living today.

It got me thinking about how much I miss because my mind is focused up ahead.

This weather one is a simple example. Of course I can’t change the weather. Future focus on that is obviously a waste of time for me. I’m not a farmer. I have air conditioning. And forest fires don’t come to Corvallis.

But what about the other areas of my life? There are plenty of times I future-think and believe that future-thinking will somehow help me. Every time I think about the future and not the now, I am missing the now.

Future-thinking is not necessarily a bad thing, just when it becomes a repetitive pattern full of worry. We can future-think about our bodies and health, the weather, money, relationships, work, you name it! Most of the time it just fills us with worry and offers no benefit (unless you think stress is a good thing).

Do you future-think? Is there one area where you can commit to stopping your future-thinking pattern?

When change happens, you lose one identity and make space for a new one to emerge. If the loss of your old identity was fully grieved, then you will have plenty of space for something wonderful to emerge.

You’ll feel it in your heart that it’s time for something new. You won’t have to look for that something new--it will find you. You will feel a sense of possibility, hope, and excitement. Ideas will arrive in floods and a smile will return to your face.

If you haven’t fully grieved your loss, you may still find a new identity, but it will feel forced and firm, as opposed to inspired and soft. We often look for a new identity to escape the pain of our loss--yet seeking and jumping to a new identity too soon results in dissatisfaction and repressed grief in the long run.

Your heart will tell you it’s time for a new direction. You will find delight in the sense of newness you feel in the world. Enjoy the excitement from the possibilities you see.

Finding a new way is a process of uncovering. Don’t jump on every idea you have. Roll them over in your mind, let them simmer, and let your imagination run wild.

When you have a firm knowing in your whole being, you will have found your new identity. This firm knowing does not come from your head, it comes from deep within your heart and soul.
 

Laughter provides a door to your soul so that you can forget your troubles, even for a moment; and you clear away negativity, confusion, and mind chatter. --Sonia Choquette (Trust Your Vibes)

The more stressful, dangerous, baffling, or unpleasant your situation, the more important it is to laugh at it. --Martha Beck (The Joy Diet)

Laugh at yourself and at life, and nothing can touch you. --Louise Hay (You Can Heal Your Life)

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. --E.E. Cummings

Seven days without laughter makes one weak. --Mort Walker

I’m not much of a cat person, but search “funny cat” on YouTube and you’ll find some funny results. Here’s one that got me laughing.

Have you seen this baby with the evil eye? I think he’s a hoot!

What do you find funny? Share it here. We can all use more laughs!

When is the last time you played hooky? For me, it was yesterday.

Hooky is a great way to shift your attitude and feel good. Taking a day to play helps you feel happier and more relaxed. It decreases your stress levels, keeps your immune system in check, and helps you approach life in a more even-keeled manner.

Whether you work for The Man, work for yourself, or take care of your family each day, you can always find a day here and there to play hooky.

Here are four clues that it’s time for you to play hooky.

1. Your schedule unexpectedly opens up for part or all of one day.
2. Your boss is on vacation or out sick for a few days.
3. The house is clean (enough), and the neighbors said they’d love to have Johnny over for a few hours to play in the leaves.
4. You can’t remember the last time you took a “you” day.

Is it time for you to play hooky? Pick a day. Put it in the calendar. No buts about it.

Now, you’ve got the day picked out. What are you going to do with it?

Here’s the best part: You get to decide. Do anything you want, as long as it makes you happy. Stop thinking of everyone else just for one day, or even a few hours. Savor the selfishness--it’s good for you now and then.

Here’s what I did yesterday: I slept in. I read a book. I took a bath. I ate a yummy lunch. I watched the Michael Jackson movie. I went to the farmers’ market. I enjoyed a late afternoon cup of delicious coffee. I went mountain biking. I took a long, hot shower. I cooked a delicious dinner with my market produce. I watched television. I went to bed with a smile.

Every minute of it was for me. No guilt. (Guilt over stuff like this is a waste of time, anyway.)

Your turn. Start planning your “you” day off. You deserve it. Drop the guilt and go have fun.

What are you going to do for you?

This is a follow-up post to a question from my post last week on my experience with the horses.

Here are two of the things I learned from working with the horses:
- Clear intention makes the “doing” part so much easier.
- As soon as we attach to an outcome, we make it more difficult to get what we want.

Blue Bicicletta posted this as a part of her reply:

Another point or perhaps question that comes up for me is the tug between having a clear intention of what you want to do (and how that makes things easier), but not being attached to a specific result. It is complicated to navigate this fine line---being open to where something takes you, but also having a clear enough idea to be able to efficiently apply your time.

The short answer is: It's all about feeling good in the moment. Set your sights on the outcome, imagine how it will feel, and do what feels best along the way. Enjoy whatever the outcome happens to be, and know it was good getting there.

Here's the longer answer.

Let's briefly discuss clarity of intention. Clarity of intention is knowing what you want and having a vision. There are two components to this: (1) knowing the desired outcome, as a tangible result, and (2) knowing the desire feeling state you will have when you reach this outcome. Likely, the feeling state would be something like happiness, peace, or excitement.

Next, let’s define attachment to outcomes. Attachment to an outcome has a graspy energy. Think about a stereotypical used car salesman. He wants to make the sale so badly that it sends you running from the parking lot. I don’t need to even go into a deeper description--you can already feel the negative energy from this imaginary guy.

Say you decide to shop with Lisa, a no-pressure saleswoman (I know her, if you need a used car and you live in Oregon). She lets you browse the lot on your own time, makes herself available to answer questions, and lets you know she is there to help you get what you want, without any pressure. You just might buy from her.

Since she’s not attached to making a sale (not graspy), she is focused on your needs, reading your body language, and sensing from you what you would like from the interaction. In the end, she may be more likely to get the sale because she had a relaxed and positive energy. She feels good now, which is also how she would feel if she made the sale. Imagine for a moment how it would feel to interact with her. Now imagine what it would feel like to be her, confident and attentive, looking out for you without grasping to make the sale.

Now, it’s quite possible that Lisa doesn’t make the sale with you. Every clear intention isn’t always met with its desired outcome. However, during the interaction, you and Lisa created a relationship. There was trust. You might buy from her again in the future, and you may refer a friend. Regardless, you had a good time shopping and she felt good, too.

It’s all about feeling good during the process of moving toward our desired outcome. Feel how we would feel if and when we got what we wanted. This way, we feel great both with and without the result. Non-attachment to the outcome could also open things up for something better than we even imagined.

I have room for improvement on this idea, for sure. It’s so easy for me to grow attached to an outcome... but can life really guarantee us much?

I have more examples and ideas for this topic, so post your thoughts and questions. I’d love to know what you’re thinking!

It’s so easy to get caught up in daily life that we often go through it without thinking. I find this rather funny. So much of life can just run on auto-pilot. When our lives are running on auto-pilot, where’s our mind?

When I began to pay attention to what was going through my mind, I was fascinated... and a little freaked out. I noticed that when I felt anxious, I was thinking some terrible, nasty thoughts. I was thinking thoughts like, “they must think I’m crazy,” and “there’s no way I’m going to be able to do that.” I found it scary that I had been thinking these thoughts without even realizing it.

Although first encountering our thoughts can be scary, it’s a freeing practice. Once we know what we are actually thinking, we can do something about it.

Facing the truth about what is going on in your mind is an absolutely necessary step on the path to happiness.

If you are in the habit of watching your thoughts already, then I’m sure you know what the mind-watching experience is like. If you are new to thought-watching, let me suggest some tips to get started.

First, notice times when you feel anything less than happy and relaxed. Our natural state is happy and relaxed. If you feel anything less than that, it’s likely that there is a thought stopping you from feeling good.

Second, become a detective in your own mind. What thoughts are going through your mind when you’re not feeling good? See if you can find some things along these lines:

They must think I’m [something not positive].
What if they don’t like me?
I always screw up.
I can’t do that.
What if I get fired?
She’s never nice to me.

There are endless possibilities to what the thoughts are behind your feelings. Start seeing if you can find the thoughts.

Once you become aware of the thoughts in your head, you have the ability to choose whether or not to believe them. As I like to say, “they are just thoughts.” It is possible that the thoughts you are thinking, such as “I always screw up” just might not be true. Would you be willing to consider that possibility?

What have you found yourself thinking that might not be true?

... but it does.

I hear this from clients: “Grrr. I’m so mad at her. I can’t believe she did that! She does this all the time. Why do I let it get to me so much?!” Or something along those lines anyway.

Sound familiar?

I’m sure you can think of a time where (1) you were frustrated with someone about something and (2) you were also frustrated with yourself for being irritated in the first place. I know it happened to me a few times just last week!

Recall the last time you were irritated about being irritated. Could it have taken you longer to get over the situation than if you had been okay with your frustration? When we judge ourselves for our reactions, we often double the effort required to regain our balance.

Next time you find yourself mad for being mad, try these steps to get past it.

1. Acknowledge how you feel about the situation. [I’m mad at her for what she did, and I’m mad at myself for being mad about it.]

2. Allow yourself to feel how you feel. Safely and privately express your emotions. [If you’re angry, allow yourself to be angry. Get it out by writing it down, by yelling--some place where it’s safe and private--or by going for a walk or run.]

3. Ask yourself what story you are telling about why you shouldn’t be angry about what happened. [I shouldn’t be mad because she does this all of the time--I should expect it.]

4. Ask yourself what story you are telling about why you feel irritated about the incident. [She always talks down to me, and it’s so rude.]

5. Tell new stories. [I can choose to stay calm even when others are uppity. She is who she is, and oh, well.]

If you want a little more help, refer to Monday’s post for some finer details.

I recently walked through a similar scenario with a client. She found the most relief once she stopped being upset with herself about being upset. We are the hardest on ourselves. When she found peace with her reaction, it was easy to change the story about the crazy woman she was facing.

Be gentle with yourself when someone is acting crazy. Being mad about being mad only doubles the madness!

What new stories can you tell? Share your ideas here!

How do you feel on Mondays? Does your day begin with dread, overwhelm and heaviness? Or does your Monday start with excitement, enthusiasm and eagerness?

I will not deny that some people face tough work environments, challenging coworkers, and frustrating projects. You could likely find a roomful of people to commiserate with you about any difficult work situation. Does commiseration make you feel any better? In my experience, commiseration made work feel worse.

When you focus on the challenging and frustrating aspects of your day, you will likely encounter more of the same. Can you recall a day when things grew worse and worse as the hours went by? The more we focus on what we don’t want, the more of it we get.

Start your Monday with an attitude adjustment. Here’s how to do it.

1. Identify the feeling that comes up on Monday. [Maybe you feel dread.]

2. Ask yourself, “What story am I telling myself as to why I feel this way on Mondays?” [The story could be that you dread another long week of working without recognition for your effort.]

3. Determine how you would rather feel about work. [Excitement is a possibility, but if you’re starting from a feeling of dread, it could be easier to seek a feeling of indifference.]

4. Ask yourself, “What new story could I tell myself about Mondays that would make me feel the way I would rather feel?” This requires a little brainstorming. Write down some new stories and try them out. Here are some examples.

* Even though my boss doesn’t show it, I know she appreciates my hard work.
* I have the ability to make my day better if I want to.
* There is only so much time in the day, and I will get done what I can and then I will take care of myself and leave at 5:00.
* Even though this isn’t my dream job, it’s a great stepping stone to what I really want to do.

I often facilitate client attitude adjustments for tough work situations during coaching sessions. I estimate that ninety percent of my clients show up wanting an attitude adjustment about work at some point while we work together. As a coach, I love helping clients adjust their attitude; it makes their work life better, and their friends and family take notice, too!

After one attitude adjustment, a client said to me, “Wow! Imagine if I showed up with this attitude every morning!” She saw the power that she had to change her attitude and shift her entire day by telling a new story on her way to work.

Your attitude determines how you experience the world.
-- Sanaya Roman

Adopt a new mindset, even if you do it for a few minutes during your commute on Monday. Start your work week on a positive note. The rest of the week will thank you for it.

What are your “new stories” to adjust your attitude on Mondays?

In a recent post, I discussed the idea of acceptance. I received a great question from one reader:

Could you talk more about acceptance? What happens after I accept that my boss is passive-aggressive? I'm just OK with it?

I thought this question was worthy of a follow-up post.

Accepting reality is knowing you can not change it. It does not mean that the reality you experienced is your preference or that you will not take subsequent action. Acceptance is about finding peace within yourself.

Accept a situation first. This creates peace within yourself. Then take the appropriate action for yourself from that place of peace.

There are two things from my original post that I think could be better worded.

“When we accept something, we have no limit to our patience.” This may be better worded as

When we accept something, it no longer tries our patience. We recognize it as reality, and we can then choose what to do about it.

“Acceptance leads us to peace. Tolerance is holding back a fight.” I think a better way to say this is

Acceptance is what creates peace inside of us. When we accept something, we are no longer fighting reality. The fighting prevents us from experiencing peace.

As I said above, accepting reality does not mean that reality is our preference. By nature, we have preferences. I am going to use a simple example to illustrate the idea of reaching acceptance when reality does not meet our personal preferences.

I like coffee ice cream. Let’s say that I go to the store wanting to buy coffee ice cream, but they are out. If I stand in the store and get upset about not being able to buy coffee ice cream, I have no mental space left to make a decision about what to do. I am stuck being upset about reality not matching my preference. I can argue all I want about it not being “right” that a store does not have it, but the reality will not change.

If I can accept that there is no coffee ice cream at this store, I am making peace with reality. Then I can decide what I want to do next. I can buy another flavor, look for it elsewhere, or skip ice cream altogether. Action from a peaceful place is productive and allows me to move forward in life.

Without acceptance, I may lash out at the other patrons or even call the store manager for a chat about the absence of coffee ice cream. This is not productive and it does not allow me to move forward in life. This keeps me stuck.

You likely understand this simple example. Where some people get confused is when we start talking about a more emotionally-charged topic, such as the people in our lives and how they impact us.

Even in dealing with the people in our lives, it is still not possible for us to change reality. The people in our lives are who they are. I can not change my boss or my spouse, but I can decide what I want to do about my relationship with them once I accept them for who they are. Once I accept reality, I can choose to leave a situation or a relationship if that is what is best for me, or I can have a conversation with the other person about what displeases me. With acceptance, my action comes from a peaceful place instead of a place of frustration, which may cause me to lash out or make inappropriate comments in the heat of the moment.

I could keep debating whether or not it is “fair” that the store does not have coffee ice cream or that my boss is passive-aggressive, but as long as I debate with reality, then I have no room left to effectively decide what I want to do about it. This keeps me stuck in a situation that I do not want. Once I stop the debate and the struggle, I can take action for my own well-being.

What are your thoughts on acceptance? What other questions do you have?

Have you ever been on a little rant, threw a tantrum, or had a fit?

That’s a silly question. Of course you have, even if it was just inside your own head.

How about this: Do you remember the last time you were on a little rant, threw a tantrum, or had a fit?

Pull it up in your mind for a moment. When was it? What were you ranting or whining about? Who did you affect while you were in that mood? Lastly, what made you stop?

Think about that last question for a moment: What made you stop?

Was it a gentle inner voice telling you “enough is enough?” Did you stub your toe or jam your finger? Did a friend or family member snap back at you because they had had enough of your attitude? Was it something else?

I was in a rotten mood this morning. I am not sure why, and it really doesn’t matter. After several hours of being short-tempered and grumpy, a small ray of sunshine snapped me back to my better self.

We were having a beautiful but cool day in Oregon, and the air in my office was chilly, even at noon. My toes were a tad purple.

I walked into my office after grabbing a glass of water, ready to sit down at the computer. Before my bottom landed in the chair, I felt warmth on my foot. It made me stop mid-stride. It was unexpected and wonderful. I glanced down and saw the sun on the carpet, with beautiful shadows from the plant in front of the window and the tree right outside.

How long have I been in this house, using this office, seeing the plant and the tree? Yet I had not noticed the beauty of the sun on the carpet. I pulled out my camera and took a photo. It could not completely capture the warmth that my toes enjoyed or the moment silence that quieted my racing mind.

It was a wonderful moment. The world paused, I saw my inner chaos, and I was done with it. My attitude shifted on its own, I didn’t need to force it, and I was free to peacefully move on with my day.

Moments like this are what I call a “smack in the face.” Today it was the sunlight on the carpet that warmed my toes. I am grateful for its gentleness.

Usually my smack in the face is more literal, and my body parts suffer from dents, bruises, and open wounds. When my mind and body are moving too fast, something always finds a way to slow me down.

What smacks you in the face when your body and mind move too fast?