With all of my talk about change, I want to also remind you that even when it feels like life is a whirlwind of change, there are always some things that remain constant.

If you’ve embarked on a new career, notice that your relationships with friends remain the same. If you’ve had a shake-up in your home life, notice that your exercise routine can stay the same. Notice whatever is constant for you.

What do you enjoy or appreciate about this aspect of your life? How does it bring you comfort? Whatever it is, keep it. Notice it. Connect with it. Enjoy your time with it. Appreciate it. Express gratitude for it. Relax with it. Let its essence fill you up.

Use this aspect of your life as your grounding rod. Let it hold your feet to the earth and steady you despite the whirlwinds of change that surround you.

Photo courtesy of my dad, John Williams, from his visit to Oregon in June-08

Your new identity has been revealed through the hole left from your old identity’s dissolution. You’ve followed the breadcrumbs and spotted your new destination.

You can clearly articulate who you are and what you are to do next.

How are you going to reach your goal?

Map out the steps--every single one. Fill in the blanks. When you’re not sure how to accomplish something or how to get from one step to another, ask for help. Learn new things. Interview experts.

When the picture is clear, it’s time for the real work. It’s time to roll up your sleeves and make things happen. (This is my favorite part!)

Take the first step. Then the next one. The steps can be small (actually, that’s recommended)--no need to leap or try to tackle everything at once.

Learn what you need to along the way.

Fumble and be willing to fail.

Go back and redraw the map where you got it wrong. No one says it will be or has to work perfectly on the first try.

Enjoy watching your dream unfold. You are making it happen.

Photo courtesy of Jasmic via Flickr

Change happens. We lose part of ourselves. Then we find a new way.

Heading in a new direction is like following a trail of breadcrumbs. We do not know the end destination, yet we can just barely see the next step. Each crumb we find offers us new information about our destination.

For some, this slow revealing is a fun adventure. For others, the mystery is agonizing. Whichever your disposition, know that the process of noticing your new information and narrowing in on your target is essential for arriving at your destination. Otherwise, you’d stop short of where you’re supposed to end up.

As you set out on your new way, write out what you know about where you’re headed--this can also include where you know you’re not headed. At the beginning, you won’t have much--that’s okay. Slowly you’ll find clarity.

Each time you find a bread crumb, add to, delete from, refine, and rewrite what you know. Notice what you can from each crumb. When you’ve gathered all you can from it, search for the next crumb.

Enjoy the journey. It’s an adventure to a yet-to-be-revealed destination. Trust that your true self knows how to find the way and the process of its unveiling is divinely timed.

Photo courtesy of Storm Crypt via Flickr

When change happens, you lose one identity and make space for a new one to emerge. If the loss of your old identity was fully grieved, then you will have plenty of space for something wonderful to emerge.

You’ll feel it in your heart that it’s time for something new. You won’t have to look for that something new--it will find you. You will feel a sense of possibility, hope, and excitement. Ideas will arrive in floods and a smile will return to your face.

If you haven’t fully grieved your loss, you may still find a new identity, but it will feel forced and firm, as opposed to inspired and soft. We often look for a new identity to escape the pain of our loss--yet seeking and jumping to a new identity too soon results in dissatisfaction and repressed grief in the long run.

Your heart will tell you it’s time for a new direction. You will find delight in the sense of newness you feel in the world. Enjoy the excitement from the possibilities you see.

Finding a new way is a process of uncovering. Don’t jump on every idea you have. Roll them over in your mind, let them simmer, and let your imagination run wild.

When you have a firm knowing in your whole being, you will have found your new identity. This firm knowing does not come from your head, it comes from deep within your heart and soul.
 

One of the most challenging steps in navigating change is the first one: letting go of our identity. Change in our lives signal the loss of a part of who we are. For something new to come into our lives, something else has to die.

If you lose your job at The Corporation, you also lose your identity as an employee there. If you move to a new city, you lose your identity as a resident of your prior city.

This seems like an obvious and simple concept, yet I find many people brush aside the significance of their identity loss. Many say, “Yup, that part’s gone,” without truly acknowledging the hole it creates within them.

To successfully transition into a new identity, we need to grieve the loss of our old one. The logical part of the mind thinks that grief is foolish and a waste of time. We say things like “Why bother?” and “No use crying over spilt milk.” But grief is essential. Feel the hole inside your body. Cry, scream, shout, stomp, and grumble. Releasing the emotions associated with your loss allows something new to be born.

Our tendency is to quickly get past the pain or pretend it’s insignificant. Resisting the reality of your identity loss will eventually cause more pain and make your transition to a new identity take longer. You can make it through the painful patch and over to the other side--give it time.

Allow the old identity to die and leave a hole, even though it hurts. From that hole, a new identity will soon be born. From a clear, seemingly empty hole, something better will grow.

photo courtesy of Dizzy Girl via Flickr
 

Tonight I’m running a workshop entitled Taking Charge of Change. My main message is simple:

No matter what change is initiated in your life, you can be in charge.

Sometimes we choose change and sometimes change is chosen for us. Change can come on suddenly or gradually.

Martha Beck says that changes initiate in three ways: opportunities, shocks, and transitions.

Opportunities are changes we choose and are usually perceived as positive, such as a promotion or buying a new home.

Shocks are surprises. Winning the lottery would be perceived as a positive one, and suddenly losing a loved one would be perceived as negative.

Transitions are gradual, internal shifts that stem from an inner yearning.

The way in which change is initiated often dictates our response. We tend to feel victimized by changes we don’t choose and empowered by changes we do choose.

However, we can own our response to any change. We can take what life gives us and decide what to do with it. As the old adage goes, “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Yes, this is more easier said than done, but it’s possible.

Check back on Monday for more discussion on change and tips and tricks to feel empowered (rather than victimized).

Photo courtesy of Bogdan Suditu on Flickr under a creative commons license.
 

Happy 2010 Everyone! Hope you had an enjoyable holiday season.

Do you have a resolution for 2010? How’s it going?

If you received my January 1st newsletter, you learned that my new year’s resolution is to LISTEN. (You can check out a repost of that article on Examiner.com.) While I was contemplating my first blog post of the year, I realized I had already slipped up on my resolution! Alas, all is well.

For me, resolutions are not about a hard, fast, painful commitment to change. Rather, they are like a light that shines on my life to help me find a new way.

It was when I was taking a pre-dinner soak in our hot tub that I realized that I blew my resolution. At the same time, I also realized that it was okay.

Here’s how I lost my way.
I had some inspiration about my coaching business, and I worked up a little frenzy in my office for a good part of the day. The entire time I heard my body talking. It said, “Go exercise!” (I like to exercise--it makes me feel good.) My knee was fussy for some reason I don’t yet understand. My shoulder wanted a break from the computer. I was getting all sorts of loud messages, yet I kept working. So much for LISTENing!

Messing up is perfect.
And even though I didn’t listen, it’s absolutely perfect. Since I have this resolution, I noticed how I was not living the way I want to. Without the resolution, it would have been another day spent working up a storm, minus the awareness. On day three into the new year, I am more aware than before on how LISTEN more in my life.

Slip-ups are okay.
If you have a resolution or a commitment for 2010, stick with it, even if you slip-up. If you plan to lose weight and notice you gain a pound, don’t sweat it! If you set the intention to work less and play more, yet spend a Saturday at the office, no big deal! Slipping up may happen, but it’s no big deal. Notice when you do and why.

Learn from the slip-ups.
When you do slip-up, learn from it and course correct.

For me, two things happened. First, I was excited about my idea, and I can get one-track-minded when that happens. Second, I was coming from a place of “there’s only so much time,” a theme that is common in my life.

What will I do differently next time? I’m not sure, so I will spend some time journaling to figure it out. (This is an old pattern, so a new way is going to take some mental digging!)

Stay with your intention.
Setting an intention to make a change does not mean change will be easy (though sometimes it can be). Give yourself credit for setting a goal, watching yourself along the way, and course correcting when you find yourself off track.

Did you set a resolution for 2010? How’s it going? Share it with us!

p.s. Come back Thursday to hear about my other resolution: ALLOW. And also learn what’s up with my one-word resolutions.
 

For Monday’s post, I wrote about breaking personal patterns, things like overeating or staying too busy. Some interpersonal dynamics can also be undesirable patterns, and they can be tricky to change. Here’s one way to look at it.

Imagine this:

You and your partner are dancing the waltz. The music is the same as always--the distinctive one-two-three rhythm your body knows so well. You know each other’s steps, movements, and subtleties. You know when you’re going to dip or twirl before it even happens.

But you’re sick and tired of the waltz. You dance it because that’s what you’ve always done. It’s what your parents did, so you do the same. And you’re done with it.

You want to salsa!

Decide to make a change.

You decide to change up your step just a bit. You don’t tell your partner, as you’re feeling a little self-conscious about making a change. “What will they think?” you wonder.

Instead of the one-two-three waltz, you’re now doing the quick-quick-slow step of the salsa. Your partners is still waltzing. One-two-three, step-step-fall. You step on toes, bump heads, and fall down.

Awkward!

Maybe it would have been easier to tell them before you changed your steps.


Realize that changes can affect other people.

Your partner could have a few responses to your unexpected new moves. They could be baffled and have a deer-in-the-headlights look. It’s also possible that they’re excited to try something with you: “Looks like you’re trying something new. Show me, too!”

More likely: “What are you doing?! You’re stepping all over my toes, and I think I hurt my wrist when I fell. Watch out, will you?! Stick to the music.”

You are in charge of your decisions.

Whatever their response, you broke the pattern. Decide how you want to proceed.

If your partner is excited, explain yourself and maybe you’ll both start salsa dancing.

If they’re baffled or resistant, decide if the new dance is still important to you. If it is, keep dancing. Consider explaining your change.

The fat lady has not sung yet.

If you dance the salsa and your partner keeps waltzing, it does not mean that you’ll never dance together again. When you decided to make a change, you had mental preparation. You thought about the salsa and imagined yourself doing it before you changed your step.

Give your partner some room. Let them think it over. They may or may not start dancing with you. It’s okay either way. You can dance alone or find a new partner if they stick to the waltz. (This is an analogy. I am not implying that you should leave your partner if they don’t take to salsa dancing.)

Don’t immediately write it off as an impossible situation. Change can take time, and that’s okay.

It’s about taking care of ourselves.

I am an advocate for taking care of ourselves first. Changing patterns and rituals that do not serve us is about taking care of ourselves. When we do that, we teach others to do the same for themselves (whether or not they realize it).

Where this all came from.

Last week I had several conversations about unwanted patterns, and through them all, I realized that when we take steps towards doing something new, it’s going to feel like we’re doing something new... (duh, right?) This is especially true when we change our patterns involving other people.

For one client of mine, I helped her see that it’s okay that she feels uncomfortable when she chooses not to engage with her husband in a twenty-year-old destructive ritual. It’s a pattern she decided to change because she’s ready to take better care of herself. She decided to dance to a new beat for her own sake, and it very well could turn out to be a positive thing for both of them.

Have you successfully initiated changes in interpersonal dynamics? Share your stories!

Do you have any unwanted patterns in your life? You know, those rituals, cycles, routines, and habits that you wish you could break?

Here’s one way to start making some changes.

Identify your unwanted pattern. Then ask yourself,

“What is my payoff for keeping this pattern going?”

By identifying your payoff, you can see what it is you’re avoiding.

For me, I can easily keep myself too busy. My payoff for staying too busy is that I don’t have to check in and see if I’m happy. I also don’t have to evaluate whether or not I’m doing what I really want to do. If I discovered that I’m not happy and I want to be doing something different, I may have to make a change. And that change might be hard. [Gulp. No wonder I keep myself busy!]

Here are two other examples as to how this may play out:

For people who overeat, one payoff is that they can stuff their emotions with food and avoid feeling their feelings.

For people who try to “fix” other people who are angry or upset, a payoff could be that they can avoid feeling the discomfort of seeing others unhappy.

Look at your pattern straight in the eyes.

As someone with a stay-busy tendency, I need to notice when I’m busy and stop to ask, “How do I feel right now? What do I really want to be doing?”

For an overeater: Notice when you are using food to avoid feeling an emotion, and ask “What am I really feeling?” Also consider what thoughts are causing those feelings.

For a “fixer”: Notice when you are trying to influence another’s emotions. Ask, “Why do I want to make them feel better?” Also notice your own thoughts and emotions.

Listen to the answers and act accordingly.

Once we see what we’re avoiding and ask the tough questions, we need to listen to the answers and act accordingly.

When I asked my two questions last week, I discovered that I was mentally drained, and I wanted to do nothing all weekend.

For an overeater: Maybe you notice that you are sad about something. Why are you sad? What can you change in your life to start to feel better?

For a “fixer”: Maybe you want to make another feel better because you feel guilty about their unhappiness. Why is it your job to make them happy? What can you do to take care of yourself instead?

Follow through.

I listened to the answers I found within and had an lazy weekend all to myself. The result: I am feeling a little more rested and rejuvenated for the week ahead.

Identifying the underlying reasons for our patterns helps us find the wisdom and compassion to take care of ourselves.

What patterns have you found in your life? What did you do to make a change?