There is a fine line between persistence and refusing to accept reality. --Tim Leatherman, founder of Leatherman Tools, in reference to his 8 year endeavor to sell his first tool

When I heard Tim Leatherman say these worlds last week to a room full of engineering professionals and students, I grabbed my pen and paper. I don’t think that statement was calculated or prepared; it just flew from his lips when asked a question about frustration and wanting to give up when he hadn’t sold a tool after many years of trying.

I thought about my life. Would I keep working on the same thing for 8 years without a single “bite?” Do I have enough passion and drive and belief in what I do to keep at it that long?

Sometimes we give up because the road to where we’re going gets rough. Other times, we refuse to accept reality even when conditions look bleak.

How do we know if it’s time to quit?

I can’t say I have a clear answer, but one thought comes to mind: if deep in your heart you hear a YES, keep going. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says, if it feels right to you deep down, it’s right.

What do you think?

Photo courtesy of Rebecca via Flickr
 

On Monday I wrote about Evan Lysacek’s comment on loving what he does.

I’m sure 90% of the Olympians fit in this category, and surely all of those who win medals love what they do. I think it would be difficult to win if they didn’t.

Another Olympian that comes to mind when I think of this love is Shaun White.

Not too long ago at the X Games, Sean debuted a fancy new trick he calls the Double McTwist 1260. And he bit it. Big time. If you haven’t seen the video, it’s crazy. (You’ll never catch me doing this sort of thing!)

What happened afterward? He got right back on it and did it again, undeterred. He completed the trick successfully.

Last week, he repeated the trick again and nailed it in the Olympics. No one could come close to matching his score. (For some reason I don’t understand, I can not find his Gold Medal video anywhere online. This source cites a similar experience.) He got the gold.

When Shaun talks about snowboarding, you can feel the love he has for what he does.

When I sit down to do what I do, whether it’s writing or coaching or brainstorming the next thing for my business, I like to tap into the energy that these guys have. The passion. The unwavering commitment. The love. Connected to feelings like those is the way I want to live.
 

You have really great days and you have tough days. I think that if you’re participating in a sport for the right reasons..., when you have those tough days and those trying moments, your love for what you do is going to get you through it.

I was watching some Olympic recaps and heard gold medalists Evan Lysacek say that to Oprah when she asked him “What would you say to the young skaters out there?”

I choose to believe that each one of us can have as much love for what we do in our lives as this man has for his sport. I don’t believe that this love is reserved for Olympic and professional athletes, actors, singers, and Oprah. I think we can all feel this love.

If you’re in a job you don’t love, why are you there? I’m sure you have plenty of logical reasons. How does your heart feel when you spend your days doing something that doesn’t fill you up?

Just for a moment, consider that it is possible to feel the same way Evan does about his “job.” What could you do to make that your reality? Are you willing to take even a tiny step in that direction?

Photo courtesy of dev null via Flickr

With all of my talk about change, I want to also remind you that even when it feels like life is a whirlwind of change, there are always some things that remain constant.

If you’ve embarked on a new career, notice that your relationships with friends remain the same. If you’ve had a shake-up in your home life, notice that your exercise routine can stay the same. Notice whatever is constant for you.

What do you enjoy or appreciate about this aspect of your life? How does it bring you comfort? Whatever it is, keep it. Notice it. Connect with it. Enjoy your time with it. Appreciate it. Express gratitude for it. Relax with it. Let its essence fill you up.

Use this aspect of your life as your grounding rod. Let it hold your feet to the earth and steady you despite the whirlwinds of change that surround you.

Photo courtesy of my dad, John Williams, from his visit to Oregon in June-08

On Monday, I wrote about a slip-up on my resolution to LISTEN. Today, I’m writing about my second resolution: ALLOW.

One word resolutions.
Let me first detour to these one-word resolutions and where they came from. Maybe resolution isn’t the best word for it, but it feels right to me. Christine Kane, a singer, songwriter, and coach, suggests using a “Word of the Year” to guide the upcoming year. She asks her blog readers to share their experiences using a guiding word, and I finally caught on. In mid-December, LISTEN came to me. Shortly after that, I heard, ALLOW.

ALLOW.
I chose ALLOW for 2010 because it is a perfect complement to LISTEN. LISTEN is about me hearing the whispers of my wise, inner self and of my body. ALLOW is acceptance of reality, acceptance of what-is. Both of these words are physical and mental; though for me, the focus is actually more physical than mental.

I was left-brain trained (logical, mathematical, scientific, process-oriented), and I have lived my life “in my head,” so to speak. In the last year, I’ve learned to climb back into my body and learn that I can LISTEN to the physical feelings that are stored there. Behind the physical sensations are words. They say things like, “Slow down. There’s no need to rush.” Or, “Yes, do that. It will be fun!” Those are the voices I want to hear more clearly this year.

Allowing ALLOW.
ALLOW, for me, is two-thirds physical, one-third mental. Having lived “in my head” for so long, I almost forgot I had a body. (No, of course not literally, but it seems that way, now that I look back.) Every time I think a thought that doesn’t serve me, my body tenses up. Since I’ve spent my life pleasing others, I think a lot of things that don’t serve me... and my body tenses up a lot, too. ALLOW is helping me refocus on what-is in life, and letting it be.

I am tired of controlling, trying, forcing, and efforting. I want to take a break and just ALLOW.

A new way.
I have this thought, in the back of my mind, that if I can let go of trying so hard, more things will come to me. More fun, more business, more love, more whatever-is-good. ALLOW isn’t about making or desiring those things to come to me, but it is about permitting them to enter my world. Who knows if it will work. What I do know for sure is that I’m tired of trying and I’m tired of hurting and I’m ready for a new way. And that’s what ALLOW is all about for me. I look forward to learning what it has to teach me in 2010.

Do you have a word for 2010?

Happy 2010 Everyone! Hope you had an enjoyable holiday season.

Do you have a resolution for 2010? How’s it going?

If you received my January 1st newsletter, you learned that my new year’s resolution is to LISTEN. (You can check out a repost of that article on Examiner.com.) While I was contemplating my first blog post of the year, I realized I had already slipped up on my resolution! Alas, all is well.

For me, resolutions are not about a hard, fast, painful commitment to change. Rather, they are like a light that shines on my life to help me find a new way.

It was when I was taking a pre-dinner soak in our hot tub that I realized that I blew my resolution. At the same time, I also realized that it was okay.

Here’s how I lost my way.
I had some inspiration about my coaching business, and I worked up a little frenzy in my office for a good part of the day. The entire time I heard my body talking. It said, “Go exercise!” (I like to exercise--it makes me feel good.) My knee was fussy for some reason I don’t yet understand. My shoulder wanted a break from the computer. I was getting all sorts of loud messages, yet I kept working. So much for LISTENing!

Messing up is perfect.
And even though I didn’t listen, it’s absolutely perfect. Since I have this resolution, I noticed how I was not living the way I want to. Without the resolution, it would have been another day spent working up a storm, minus the awareness. On day three into the new year, I am more aware than before on how LISTEN more in my life.

Slip-ups are okay.
If you have a resolution or a commitment for 2010, stick with it, even if you slip-up. If you plan to lose weight and notice you gain a pound, don’t sweat it! If you set the intention to work less and play more, yet spend a Saturday at the office, no big deal! Slipping up may happen, but it’s no big deal. Notice when you do and why.

Learn from the slip-ups.
When you do slip-up, learn from it and course correct.

For me, two things happened. First, I was excited about my idea, and I can get one-track-minded when that happens. Second, I was coming from a place of “there’s only so much time,” a theme that is common in my life.

What will I do differently next time? I’m not sure, so I will spend some time journaling to figure it out. (This is an old pattern, so a new way is going to take some mental digging!)

Stay with your intention.
Setting an intention to make a change does not mean change will be easy (though sometimes it can be). Give yourself credit for setting a goal, watching yourself along the way, and course correcting when you find yourself off track.

Did you set a resolution for 2010? How’s it going? Share it with us!

p.s. Come back Thursday to hear about my other resolution: ALLOW. And also learn what’s up with my one-word resolutions.
 

For Monday’s post, I wrote about breaking personal patterns, things like overeating or staying too busy. Some interpersonal dynamics can also be undesirable patterns, and they can be tricky to change. Here’s one way to look at it.

Imagine this:

You and your partner are dancing the waltz. The music is the same as always--the distinctive one-two-three rhythm your body knows so well. You know each other’s steps, movements, and subtleties. You know when you’re going to dip or twirl before it even happens.

But you’re sick and tired of the waltz. You dance it because that’s what you’ve always done. It’s what your parents did, so you do the same. And you’re done with it.

You want to salsa!

Decide to make a change.

You decide to change up your step just a bit. You don’t tell your partner, as you’re feeling a little self-conscious about making a change. “What will they think?” you wonder.

Instead of the one-two-three waltz, you’re now doing the quick-quick-slow step of the salsa. Your partners is still waltzing. One-two-three, step-step-fall. You step on toes, bump heads, and fall down.

Awkward!

Maybe it would have been easier to tell them before you changed your steps.


Realize that changes can affect other people.

Your partner could have a few responses to your unexpected new moves. They could be baffled and have a deer-in-the-headlights look. It’s also possible that they’re excited to try something with you: “Looks like you’re trying something new. Show me, too!”

More likely: “What are you doing?! You’re stepping all over my toes, and I think I hurt my wrist when I fell. Watch out, will you?! Stick to the music.”

You are in charge of your decisions.

Whatever their response, you broke the pattern. Decide how you want to proceed.

If your partner is excited, explain yourself and maybe you’ll both start salsa dancing.

If they’re baffled or resistant, decide if the new dance is still important to you. If it is, keep dancing. Consider explaining your change.

The fat lady has not sung yet.

If you dance the salsa and your partner keeps waltzing, it does not mean that you’ll never dance together again. When you decided to make a change, you had mental preparation. You thought about the salsa and imagined yourself doing it before you changed your step.

Give your partner some room. Let them think it over. They may or may not start dancing with you. It’s okay either way. You can dance alone or find a new partner if they stick to the waltz. (This is an analogy. I am not implying that you should leave your partner if they don’t take to salsa dancing.)

Don’t immediately write it off as an impossible situation. Change can take time, and that’s okay.

It’s about taking care of ourselves.

I am an advocate for taking care of ourselves first. Changing patterns and rituals that do not serve us is about taking care of ourselves. When we do that, we teach others to do the same for themselves (whether or not they realize it).

Where this all came from.

Last week I had several conversations about unwanted patterns, and through them all, I realized that when we take steps towards doing something new, it’s going to feel like we’re doing something new... (duh, right?) This is especially true when we change our patterns involving other people.

For one client of mine, I helped her see that it’s okay that she feels uncomfortable when she chooses not to engage with her husband in a twenty-year-old destructive ritual. It’s a pattern she decided to change because she’s ready to take better care of herself. She decided to dance to a new beat for her own sake, and it very well could turn out to be a positive thing for both of them.

Have you successfully initiated changes in interpersonal dynamics? Share your stories!

What in your life isn’t exactly as you’d like it to be? Do you want to make a change but aren’t sure where to begin?

Whatever your challenge, the first step is to imagine the future you desire.

Pinpoint the problem.

- Your job is eating at your soul.
- You want to live a life that feels purposeful.
- Your email Inbox is overflowing and heart attack-inducing.
- You fumble through the paperwork for each new client.

Design your desired future.

Let your imagination run wild. If you could design the perfect outcome, what would it look like?

- You feel like you’re making a difference in the world.
- You’re helping inner city kids learn to read.
- You have a method for managing incoming emails and organizing them effectively.
- You have a simple process to manage each new client.

Spell out every last detail.

Turn imagination into reality.

What in your desired future could really happen? When I walk clients through this exercise, 95% of what they imagine can be executed in the real world.

Make your desired outcome tangible in the real world.

Take tiny steps to get there.

Now that you have your desired reality, define the small steps you need to take to get from here to there.

Move forward.

You’ll be living in the future before you know it!

It can be so easy to say we can’t do something because of an incident in our past. It’s a great excuse to blame history for our future doom.

I was watching Oprah last week, and she shared a story about a young man who attempted to rob a cash advance store. The young man did not end up robbing the store. The woman in the store, Angela, was calm, patient, and, although terrified, also loving. Oprah interviewed Angela and the robber for her show. Angela said these words to the young man:

“Don’t let the past stop you from being great in the future.” --Angela Montez

See the video for yourself. (You can hear her quote at 1:10 in the video.)

Wow. My world came to a halt when I heard those words. I believed her. He can get past this incident. He will likely go to prison. He will serve time for what he did. Then he will be released. He can then move on. He has a little girl at home who needs him.

I reflected on Angela’s words. If I believed that this man could create a better future for himself, why can it be so hard for each of us to believe that we can do that in our own lives?
 
Are you stuck thinking your past will define your future? Are you ready to move past it?

Try these steps to un-stick yourself and move forward.

1. Identify your “stuck” thinking.
It may sound something like this:
I can’t ______________ because _____________. OR
I’ll never ______________ because _____________.

2. Change your language to clarify this is a choice.
The reality is that your “can’t” and “never” is not true. Rewrite your statement.
I choose not to ______________ because I believe that _____________ is a problem.

3. Find evidence that your stuck thinking may not be true.
Maybe you know someone else who made it work or achieved that goal. Maybe you did something similar in the past. Find three pieces of evidence.

4. Ask yourself, “If I didn’t believe [my stuck thinking thought], what would be the first thing I would do?”
Find three steps you would take.

So now, what are you going to do?

Life offers few guarantees.

Some days I wish I had a sure-fire plan to make my life turn out exactly as I want. I bet you have those days, too. Wouldn’t a guarantee on everything be great?

Perfect boss. Dream house. Well-behaved children. Steady income. Luxurious vacations. It would be so easy if they were just guaranteed, wouldn’t it?

Think about it for a moment. If you were six years old and learning addition and you were guaranteed a perfect score on your test, would you keep studying? Some of you may, but not everyone would. If you had a guarantee and stopped studying, you wouldn’t actually learn addition.

If you could be guaranteed that you would study just the perfect thing in college to ensure future success, would you critically evaluate your options? Would you assess your choice along the way to your cap and gown? Once out in the world, would you continue to check your career progress against your true desires?

If you were guaranteed that your business would succeed if you did A and B and C, how would you learn that G is a more enjoyable way to grow your business? And that P was a great thing to do for personal growth, as well as for business profit?

Whenever we take something for granted or consider it to be guaranteed, we turn off our brain. We stop learning, experimenting, questioning, and evaluating. We stop growing.

If someone gave me a simple formula for success, I would likely follow the formula like a robot, doing just what they said. I would blindly move in the direction of their guarantee, because it would be easier than figuring it out on my own.

Part of me would love a success formula that would guarantee my future success as a coach. It would alleviate the pressure, stress, and anxiety that stepping out on my own has brought to the surface. I could relax and just do what I love: coach and write. I could avoid all of the uncomfortable parts, like marketing and selling. I would also miss out on a heck of a lot of personal growth that those things are currently bringing to me.

If I had to guess, the best success formula anyone could give me would look like this:

experimentation + persistence = a good chance of getting what I want

That’s what life’s about. Taking chances, experimenting, persisting. There is no magic formula for success. There are no guarantees. There’s hard work, trying new things, failing, and trying again.

So what are the two steps to guaranteed success? Try and try again.

I can’t tell you exactly what to do to achieve your goals. I can guide you, offer ideas, help you find your own answers, find where you’re holding yourself back, support you through trial and error, and celebrate your successes. I can tell you that you can eventually get what you want when you keep at it.

What goal are you wanting to reach with a guarantee? Are you ready to experiment and persist?

Keep at it. You’ll get there.