We’re having absolutely fabulous weather here in Corvallis, Oregon. As I type this, it’s sunny and mid-50s. It will likely hit 60 today. I had a delightful morning run. The sun is now streaming in my office window and I can feel the fresh air blowing in. I love it.
Except when I start future-thinking. I fret about the winter we didn’t have.

Will it come in March or April?
Will it kill all of the buds on the trees?
Will this create problems for the local farmers?
What about the summer?
Will it be crazy-hot?
Will there be a lot of fires?
We need more rain!!!

Once I start down this path, it quickly turns into a death spiral. I stop enjoying the sunshine, the crocuses, and my open office window. I start worrying about all of these things that are completely out of my control.

As I’ve been noticing this mental weather pattern of mine over the past few weeks, I’ve been catching myself in the act and stopping this future-thinking.

On my run today, as soon as I stopped fretting, I noticed so many more crocuses that I usually notice. It was because I was present. I was in the now. I was living today.

It got me thinking about how much I miss because my mind is focused up ahead.

This weather one is a simple example. Of course I can’t change the weather. Future focus on that is obviously a waste of time for me. I’m not a farmer. I have air conditioning. And forest fires don’t come to Corvallis.

But what about the other areas of my life? There are plenty of times I future-think and believe that future-thinking will somehow help me. Every time I think about the future and not the now, I am missing the now.

Future-thinking is not necessarily a bad thing, just when it becomes a repetitive pattern full of worry. We can future-think about our bodies and health, the weather, money, relationships, work, you name it! Most of the time it just fills us with worry and offers no benefit (unless you think stress is a good thing).

Do you future-think? Is there one area where you can commit to stopping your future-thinking pattern?

With all of my talk about change, I want to also remind you that even when it feels like life is a whirlwind of change, there are always some things that remain constant.

If you’ve embarked on a new career, notice that your relationships with friends remain the same. If you’ve had a shake-up in your home life, notice that your exercise routine can stay the same. Notice whatever is constant for you.

What do you enjoy or appreciate about this aspect of your life? How does it bring you comfort? Whatever it is, keep it. Notice it. Connect with it. Enjoy your time with it. Appreciate it. Express gratitude for it. Relax with it. Let its essence fill you up.

Use this aspect of your life as your grounding rod. Let it hold your feet to the earth and steady you despite the whirlwinds of change that surround you.

Photo courtesy of my dad, John Williams, from his visit to Oregon in June-08

Change happens. We lose part of ourselves. Then we find a new way.

Heading in a new direction is like following a trail of breadcrumbs. We do not know the end destination, yet we can just barely see the next step. Each crumb we find offers us new information about our destination.

For some, this slow revealing is a fun adventure. For others, the mystery is agonizing. Whichever your disposition, know that the process of noticing your new information and narrowing in on your target is essential for arriving at your destination. Otherwise, you’d stop short of where you’re supposed to end up.

As you set out on your new way, write out what you know about where you’re headed--this can also include where you know you’re not headed. At the beginning, you won’t have much--that’s okay. Slowly you’ll find clarity.

Each time you find a bread crumb, add to, delete from, refine, and rewrite what you know. Notice what you can from each crumb. When you’ve gathered all you can from it, search for the next crumb.

Enjoy the journey. It’s an adventure to a yet-to-be-revealed destination. Trust that your true self knows how to find the way and the process of its unveiling is divinely timed.

Photo courtesy of Storm Crypt via Flickr

Do you ever say, “Once I get or do [this thing], then I’ll take a break,” or something like that?

This is a common theme for me. I had a long list of deadlines for last week, and I saw that I was putting off taking a break until they were done.

When I made it through the list, the realization hit me that I was done. I took a few deep breaths, then I looked for the next thing to do.

Then I stopped myself. I noticed my accomplishments. I remembered my delayed break.

I took a few more deep breaths.

I said, “Now take that break you said you were delaying until you got it all done.” (Like a stern yet loving mother may say.)

And I did.

I relaxed, I read, I wrote, and I spent time sitting quietly. I enjoyed the break and reveled in my accomplishments. I laughed at how quickly they all got done, especially considering my frenzied moments earlier in the week.

I’ve committed to LISTEN and to ALLOW this year. I’m not embodying these words all the time, but on days like this one, I am one step closer. And that’s what matters.
 

On Monday, I wrote about a slip-up on my resolution to LISTEN. Today, I’m writing about my second resolution: ALLOW.

One word resolutions.
Let me first detour to these one-word resolutions and where they came from. Maybe resolution isn’t the best word for it, but it feels right to me. Christine Kane, a singer, songwriter, and coach, suggests using a “Word of the Year” to guide the upcoming year. She asks her blog readers to share their experiences using a guiding word, and I finally caught on. In mid-December, LISTEN came to me. Shortly after that, I heard, ALLOW.

ALLOW.
I chose ALLOW for 2010 because it is a perfect complement to LISTEN. LISTEN is about me hearing the whispers of my wise, inner self and of my body. ALLOW is acceptance of reality, acceptance of what-is. Both of these words are physical and mental; though for me, the focus is actually more physical than mental.

I was left-brain trained (logical, mathematical, scientific, process-oriented), and I have lived my life “in my head,” so to speak. In the last year, I’ve learned to climb back into my body and learn that I can LISTEN to the physical feelings that are stored there. Behind the physical sensations are words. They say things like, “Slow down. There’s no need to rush.” Or, “Yes, do that. It will be fun!” Those are the voices I want to hear more clearly this year.

Allowing ALLOW.
ALLOW, for me, is two-thirds physical, one-third mental. Having lived “in my head” for so long, I almost forgot I had a body. (No, of course not literally, but it seems that way, now that I look back.) Every time I think a thought that doesn’t serve me, my body tenses up. Since I’ve spent my life pleasing others, I think a lot of things that don’t serve me... and my body tenses up a lot, too. ALLOW is helping me refocus on what-is in life, and letting it be.

I am tired of controlling, trying, forcing, and efforting. I want to take a break and just ALLOW.

A new way.
I have this thought, in the back of my mind, that if I can let go of trying so hard, more things will come to me. More fun, more business, more love, more whatever-is-good. ALLOW isn’t about making or desiring those things to come to me, but it is about permitting them to enter my world. Who knows if it will work. What I do know for sure is that I’m tired of trying and I’m tired of hurting and I’m ready for a new way. And that’s what ALLOW is all about for me. I look forward to learning what it has to teach me in 2010.

Do you have a word for 2010?

When is the last time you played hooky? For me, it was yesterday.

Hooky is a great way to shift your attitude and feel good. Taking a day to play helps you feel happier and more relaxed. It decreases your stress levels, keeps your immune system in check, and helps you approach life in a more even-keeled manner.

Whether you work for The Man, work for yourself, or take care of your family each day, you can always find a day here and there to play hooky.

Here are four clues that it’s time for you to play hooky.

1. Your schedule unexpectedly opens up for part or all of one day.
2. Your boss is on vacation or out sick for a few days.
3. The house is clean (enough), and the neighbors said they’d love to have Johnny over for a few hours to play in the leaves.
4. You can’t remember the last time you took a “you” day.

Is it time for you to play hooky? Pick a day. Put it in the calendar. No buts about it.

Now, you’ve got the day picked out. What are you going to do with it?

Here’s the best part: You get to decide. Do anything you want, as long as it makes you happy. Stop thinking of everyone else just for one day, or even a few hours. Savor the selfishness--it’s good for you now and then.

Here’s what I did yesterday: I slept in. I read a book. I took a bath. I ate a yummy lunch. I watched the Michael Jackson movie. I went to the farmers’ market. I enjoyed a late afternoon cup of delicious coffee. I went mountain biking. I took a long, hot shower. I cooked a delicious dinner with my market produce. I watched television. I went to bed with a smile.

Every minute of it was for me. No guilt. (Guilt over stuff like this is a waste of time, anyway.)

Your turn. Start planning your “you” day off. You deserve it. Drop the guilt and go have fun.

What are you going to do for you?

The cliche that “change is inevitable” can make us groan. Yeah, we know, but we still don’t like change when it happens to us, when it’s beyond our control.

What’s a change that you are experiencing that is beyond your control? Layoffs at work? Your husband is going through a mid-life crisis? Your kids are turning into difficult teenagers?

Whatever change is beyond your control, you can find treasures to embrace.

Ask yourself, “What am I getting that I would likely not get otherwise?”

Layoffs at work.... A kick in the pants to start thinking about what you really want to do with your life.

Husband’s mid-life crisis... Extra time to hang with girlfriends at the spa. Heck, if he’s buying a motorcycle, you can at least get a pedicure!

Kids turning into difficult teenagers... With age comes responsibility, and it’s time they start doing some of the household chores.

Every year since I moved to Oregon, I have dreaded fall because it brings winter, which means a lot of clouds and rain for many months. It’s dark and wet and it feels heavy and sad.

This year, I am content with the arrival of fall. The first rain cleared the air, and it smelled fresh and clean outside. The farmers’ market is filled with tart apples, deep orange squash, and dark purple kale. I am embracing the treasures of the beautiful leaves, apple crisp, and roasted squash soup during a time I usually focus on resisting like hell... and always lose.

Remember, some changes are beyond your control. Fighting reality is a losing battle. Instead, opt to find what treasures await you.

What treasures are you finding in the changes in your life?

It’s so easy to get caught up in daily life that we often go through it without thinking. I find this rather funny. So much of life can just run on auto-pilot. When our lives are running on auto-pilot, where’s our mind?

When I began to pay attention to what was going through my mind, I was fascinated... and a little freaked out. I noticed that when I felt anxious, I was thinking some terrible, nasty thoughts. I was thinking thoughts like, “they must think I’m crazy,” and “there’s no way I’m going to be able to do that.” I found it scary that I had been thinking these thoughts without even realizing it.

Although first encountering our thoughts can be scary, it’s a freeing practice. Once we know what we are actually thinking, we can do something about it.

Facing the truth about what is going on in your mind is an absolutely necessary step on the path to happiness.

If you are in the habit of watching your thoughts already, then I’m sure you know what the mind-watching experience is like. If you are new to thought-watching, let me suggest some tips to get started.

First, notice times when you feel anything less than happy and relaxed. Our natural state is happy and relaxed. If you feel anything less than that, it’s likely that there is a thought stopping you from feeling good.

Second, become a detective in your own mind. What thoughts are going through your mind when you’re not feeling good? See if you can find some things along these lines:

They must think I’m [something not positive].
What if they don’t like me?
I always screw up.
I can’t do that.
What if I get fired?
She’s never nice to me.

There are endless possibilities to what the thoughts are behind your feelings. Start seeing if you can find the thoughts.

Once you become aware of the thoughts in your head, you have the ability to choose whether or not to believe them. As I like to say, “they are just thoughts.” It is possible that the thoughts you are thinking, such as “I always screw up” just might not be true. Would you be willing to consider that possibility?

What have you found yourself thinking that might not be true?

In a recent post, I discussed the idea of acceptance. I received a great question from one reader:

Could you talk more about acceptance? What happens after I accept that my boss is passive-aggressive? I'm just OK with it?

I thought this question was worthy of a follow-up post.

Accepting reality is knowing you can not change it. It does not mean that the reality you experienced is your preference or that you will not take subsequent action. Acceptance is about finding peace within yourself.

Accept a situation first. This creates peace within yourself. Then take the appropriate action for yourself from that place of peace.

There are two things from my original post that I think could be better worded.

“When we accept something, we have no limit to our patience.” This may be better worded as

When we accept something, it no longer tries our patience. We recognize it as reality, and we can then choose what to do about it.

“Acceptance leads us to peace. Tolerance is holding back a fight.” I think a better way to say this is

Acceptance is what creates peace inside of us. When we accept something, we are no longer fighting reality. The fighting prevents us from experiencing peace.

As I said above, accepting reality does not mean that reality is our preference. By nature, we have preferences. I am going to use a simple example to illustrate the idea of reaching acceptance when reality does not meet our personal preferences.

I like coffee ice cream. Let’s say that I go to the store wanting to buy coffee ice cream, but they are out. If I stand in the store and get upset about not being able to buy coffee ice cream, I have no mental space left to make a decision about what to do. I am stuck being upset about reality not matching my preference. I can argue all I want about it not being “right” that a store does not have it, but the reality will not change.

If I can accept that there is no coffee ice cream at this store, I am making peace with reality. Then I can decide what I want to do next. I can buy another flavor, look for it elsewhere, or skip ice cream altogether. Action from a peaceful place is productive and allows me to move forward in life.

Without acceptance, I may lash out at the other patrons or even call the store manager for a chat about the absence of coffee ice cream. This is not productive and it does not allow me to move forward in life. This keeps me stuck.

You likely understand this simple example. Where some people get confused is when we start talking about a more emotionally-charged topic, such as the people in our lives and how they impact us.

Even in dealing with the people in our lives, it is still not possible for us to change reality. The people in our lives are who they are. I can not change my boss or my spouse, but I can decide what I want to do about my relationship with them once I accept them for who they are. Once I accept reality, I can choose to leave a situation or a relationship if that is what is best for me, or I can have a conversation with the other person about what displeases me. With acceptance, my action comes from a peaceful place instead of a place of frustration, which may cause me to lash out or make inappropriate comments in the heat of the moment.

I could keep debating whether or not it is “fair” that the store does not have coffee ice cream or that my boss is passive-aggressive, but as long as I debate with reality, then I have no room left to effectively decide what I want to do about it. This keeps me stuck in a situation that I do not want. Once I stop the debate and the struggle, I can take action for my own well-being.

What are your thoughts on acceptance? What other questions do you have?

Have you ever been on a little rant, threw a tantrum, or had a fit?

That’s a silly question. Of course you have, even if it was just inside your own head.

How about this: Do you remember the last time you were on a little rant, threw a tantrum, or had a fit?

Pull it up in your mind for a moment. When was it? What were you ranting or whining about? Who did you affect while you were in that mood? Lastly, what made you stop?

Think about that last question for a moment: What made you stop?

Was it a gentle inner voice telling you “enough is enough?” Did you stub your toe or jam your finger? Did a friend or family member snap back at you because they had had enough of your attitude? Was it something else?

I was in a rotten mood this morning. I am not sure why, and it really doesn’t matter. After several hours of being short-tempered and grumpy, a small ray of sunshine snapped me back to my better self.

We were having a beautiful but cool day in Oregon, and the air in my office was chilly, even at noon. My toes were a tad purple.

I walked into my office after grabbing a glass of water, ready to sit down at the computer. Before my bottom landed in the chair, I felt warmth on my foot. It made me stop mid-stride. It was unexpected and wonderful. I glanced down and saw the sun on the carpet, with beautiful shadows from the plant in front of the window and the tree right outside.

How long have I been in this house, using this office, seeing the plant and the tree? Yet I had not noticed the beauty of the sun on the carpet. I pulled out my camera and took a photo. It could not completely capture the warmth that my toes enjoyed or the moment silence that quieted my racing mind.

It was a wonderful moment. The world paused, I saw my inner chaos, and I was done with it. My attitude shifted on its own, I didn’t need to force it, and I was free to peacefully move on with my day.

Moments like this are what I call a “smack in the face.” Today it was the sunlight on the carpet that warmed my toes. I am grateful for its gentleness.

Usually my smack in the face is more literal, and my body parts suffer from dents, bruises, and open wounds. When my mind and body are moving too fast, something always finds a way to slow me down.

What smacks you in the face when your body and mind move too fast?