Here are five of my favorite posts from 2009. I'm taking a break for the holidays, and I'll resume posting on January 4th. Look for my next newsletter, which will be mailed on January 1, 2010. If you haven't signed up already, please do so in the box to the left!

Two Steps to Guaranteed Success
It's Time to Play Hooky
The Past Can Not Stop You
Finding Treasures in Times of Change
You Think It Shouldn't Make You So Mad

Happy Holidays!

For Monday’s post, I wrote about breaking personal patterns, things like overeating or staying too busy. Some interpersonal dynamics can also be undesirable patterns, and they can be tricky to change. Here’s one way to look at it.

Imagine this:

You and your partner are dancing the waltz. The music is the same as always--the distinctive one-two-three rhythm your body knows so well. You know each other’s steps, movements, and subtleties. You know when you’re going to dip or twirl before it even happens.

But you’re sick and tired of the waltz. You dance it because that’s what you’ve always done. It’s what your parents did, so you do the same. And you’re done with it.

You want to salsa!

Decide to make a change.

You decide to change up your step just a bit. You don’t tell your partner, as you’re feeling a little self-conscious about making a change. “What will they think?” you wonder.

Instead of the one-two-three waltz, you’re now doing the quick-quick-slow step of the salsa. Your partners is still waltzing. One-two-three, step-step-fall. You step on toes, bump heads, and fall down.

Awkward!

Maybe it would have been easier to tell them before you changed your steps.


Realize that changes can affect other people.

Your partner could have a few responses to your unexpected new moves. They could be baffled and have a deer-in-the-headlights look. It’s also possible that they’re excited to try something with you: “Looks like you’re trying something new. Show me, too!”

More likely: “What are you doing?! You’re stepping all over my toes, and I think I hurt my wrist when I fell. Watch out, will you?! Stick to the music.”

You are in charge of your decisions.

Whatever their response, you broke the pattern. Decide how you want to proceed.

If your partner is excited, explain yourself and maybe you’ll both start salsa dancing.

If they’re baffled or resistant, decide if the new dance is still important to you. If it is, keep dancing. Consider explaining your change.

The fat lady has not sung yet.

If you dance the salsa and your partner keeps waltzing, it does not mean that you’ll never dance together again. When you decided to make a change, you had mental preparation. You thought about the salsa and imagined yourself doing it before you changed your step.

Give your partner some room. Let them think it over. They may or may not start dancing with you. It’s okay either way. You can dance alone or find a new partner if they stick to the waltz. (This is an analogy. I am not implying that you should leave your partner if they don’t take to salsa dancing.)

Don’t immediately write it off as an impossible situation. Change can take time, and that’s okay.

It’s about taking care of ourselves.

I am an advocate for taking care of ourselves first. Changing patterns and rituals that do not serve us is about taking care of ourselves. When we do that, we teach others to do the same for themselves (whether or not they realize it).

Where this all came from.

Last week I had several conversations about unwanted patterns, and through them all, I realized that when we take steps towards doing something new, it’s going to feel like we’re doing something new... (duh, right?) This is especially true when we change our patterns involving other people.

For one client of mine, I helped her see that it’s okay that she feels uncomfortable when she chooses not to engage with her husband in a twenty-year-old destructive ritual. It’s a pattern she decided to change because she’s ready to take better care of herself. She decided to dance to a new beat for her own sake, and it very well could turn out to be a positive thing for both of them.

Have you successfully initiated changes in interpersonal dynamics? Share your stories!

Do you have any unwanted patterns in your life? You know, those rituals, cycles, routines, and habits that you wish you could break?

Here’s one way to start making some changes.

Identify your unwanted pattern. Then ask yourself,

“What is my payoff for keeping this pattern going?”

By identifying your payoff, you can see what it is you’re avoiding.

For me, I can easily keep myself too busy. My payoff for staying too busy is that I don’t have to check in and see if I’m happy. I also don’t have to evaluate whether or not I’m doing what I really want to do. If I discovered that I’m not happy and I want to be doing something different, I may have to make a change. And that change might be hard. [Gulp. No wonder I keep myself busy!]

Here are two other examples as to how this may play out:

For people who overeat, one payoff is that they can stuff their emotions with food and avoid feeling their feelings.

For people who try to “fix” other people who are angry or upset, a payoff could be that they can avoid feeling the discomfort of seeing others unhappy.

Look at your pattern straight in the eyes.

As someone with a stay-busy tendency, I need to notice when I’m busy and stop to ask, “How do I feel right now? What do I really want to be doing?”

For an overeater: Notice when you are using food to avoid feeling an emotion, and ask “What am I really feeling?” Also consider what thoughts are causing those feelings.

For a “fixer”: Notice when you are trying to influence another’s emotions. Ask, “Why do I want to make them feel better?” Also notice your own thoughts and emotions.

Listen to the answers and act accordingly.

Once we see what we’re avoiding and ask the tough questions, we need to listen to the answers and act accordingly.

When I asked my two questions last week, I discovered that I was mentally drained, and I wanted to do nothing all weekend.

For an overeater: Maybe you notice that you are sad about something. Why are you sad? What can you change in your life to start to feel better?

For a “fixer”: Maybe you want to make another feel better because you feel guilty about their unhappiness. Why is it your job to make them happy? What can you do to take care of yourself instead?

Follow through.

I listened to the answers I found within and had an lazy weekend all to myself. The result: I am feeling a little more rested and rejuvenated for the week ahead.

Identifying the underlying reasons for our patterns helps us find the wisdom and compassion to take care of ourselves.

What patterns have you found in your life? What did you do to make a change?
 

What in your life isn’t exactly as you’d like it to be? Do you want to make a change but aren’t sure where to begin?

Whatever your challenge, the first step is to imagine the future you desire.

Pinpoint the problem.

- Your job is eating at your soul.
- You want to live a life that feels purposeful.
- Your email Inbox is overflowing and heart attack-inducing.
- You fumble through the paperwork for each new client.

Design your desired future.

Let your imagination run wild. If you could design the perfect outcome, what would it look like?

- You feel like you’re making a difference in the world.
- You’re helping inner city kids learn to read.
- You have a method for managing incoming emails and organizing them effectively.
- You have a simple process to manage each new client.

Spell out every last detail.

Turn imagination into reality.

What in your desired future could really happen? When I walk clients through this exercise, 95% of what they imagine can be executed in the real world.

Make your desired outcome tangible in the real world.

Take tiny steps to get there.

Now that you have your desired reality, define the small steps you need to take to get from here to there.

Move forward.

You’ll be living in the future before you know it!

There is wisdom in your body. Can you hear what it’s trying to tell you?

When we find ourself in physical pain or dealing with a cold or illness, it is quite likely that our bodies have a message for us. It’s tired, it’s overworked, or it’s sick of the mental and emotional crap we’ve been dolling out for the past weeks...months...years.

I have come to believe in my body’s wisdom, even though it is so much easier to blame aches, pains, and sickness on more logical causes like the extra workout, a cheap desk chair, or the germs from the airplane.

Last week I got a cold. Sounds trivial, but I never get sick. Well, almost never. But last week I did. My body had been talking to me for weeks, and I wasn’t listening.

First I had low back pains, then my right leg tensed up like I had run a marathon. I started getting headaches. My sinuses got angry. Then I got a cold. I had five clues that my body had a message for me, and I ignored them all.

I find this funny because “I should know better.” How often does that happen to you? We know better, yet we ignore what we think we know.

As the aches and pains came on, I pulled up all of my so-called logical reasons for those problems, the ones we’ve been trained by doctors to believe are the real causes of our problems.

I was feeling worse and worse and then the denial came in. I knew it was my body talking, but I didn’t want to believe it.

“But I’m in a job I love.”
“But I have so much freedom in my day.”
“This has to be something else.”

The cold came, and then it cleared. The revelations then came through.

Yes, I am in a job I love. Yes, I do have freedom in my day.
And, I can still be a workaholic, maybe even more so since I’m now self-employed.

One of the amazing things I realized is that as we move towards our right life, our tolerance for living out of integrity with who we really are plummets. My essential self now expects to be cared for and catered to in ways she didn’t ask before I quit my job. I have given her wiggle room over the past 6 months, and now she wants more.

I need some help catering to my essential self. I need some ideas to entertain her and get her excited again. After all, my essential self is what fuels my passion and creativity for my business and for coaching.

I heard my body talking and I didn’t listen. I’m ready to listen now.

Here are some things I did on Friday last week to help me get started.

Played with my friend’s horse.
Went for an hour-long hike by myself.
Shopped for a Christmas tree and all of the trimmings.
Purchased a beautiful new scarf that makes me giddy when I wear it.

Your turn.

What would thrill your essential self (your inner child, the part of you that you deny when you work too many hours and please everyone else)? Please share!

Intuit is offering a business grant to small businesses. I'd love a little help from my readers in the nomination process. Just click the button here and cast your vote.

Business Name: Rising Sun Coaching
Location: Corvallis, Oregon



Thanks for your support!!

This is the third of three posts where I share a method for deciding what to do and not to do when your to-do list is too long.

I saved the best for last. This is my personal favorite!

Trust Your Body

This method is perfect for anyone who wants to feel good when getting through to-do tasks. Every time I teach a client this method, they are pleased when they put it to use in their life. Try it for yourself!

1. Establish your baseline. Give yourself a few minutes to complete this step--it’s absolutely necessary and totally worth the time.

a. Sit comfortably and relax your body. Close your eyes. Pull up the worst memory you have from your life. Imagine you are in that moment--experience it as if you are there.

b. Feel the sensations in your body as you experience that memory. Describe them with words. It could be that your chest feels tight, your stomach is in a knot, and your throat feels closed up. Be as detailed as possible.

c. Give this overall feeling a name and give it a number, on a scale from -10 (as awful as you can image feeling) to +10 (the best you can imagine feeling).

d. Repeat steps a, b, and c using the best memory you have from your life. Imagine it, feel the sensations, describe the sensations with words, give it a name and give it a number from -10 to +10.

e. Now you have your body compass scale from the negative range through the positive range.

2. Rank your to-do list. For every item on your to-do list, rank it using your body compass scale. Imagine yourself doing the task, and feel the sensations in your body. Record the number associated with the task, somewhere from -10 to +10. Listen to what your body is saying, not what your mind thinks the number should be.

3. Do what feels best. Begin working on the task that received the highest rating on your scale. I recommend not doing anything that feels like a negative number--unless you want to feel awful.

4. Play with it. Play around with this idea for a week or two and notice what happens. For me, when I use this method to work through my list, I always feel good, and I seem to accomplish more than when I listen to what my mind wants me to do. Test it out and see what you find to be true for you.

When you feel like there is not enough time in the day, focus on what feels good to you. Your body, your emotions, and your family will thank you!